G l i t c h y G o b l i n !

Ah, terrible video game voice acting. Almost as damning as poor writing and crappy gameplay. Here, we have some shining examples of voice acting tom foolery.

There were a few missing, for me. Like Dante’s “I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LIGHT!!!” Even still, quite entertaining.

Goblin here. Starting today, we have some new writers! Make ‘em feel welcome, yall. First up is my bro, Jeremy, who made me painfully aware of just how Glitchy this Goblin is, inspiring my Glitch of the Week (that’s returning this week, too.) Later in the week, we’ll here from another new writer, my bud Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose. But for now, here’s Vegieza with a look at Assassin’s Creed 2.

To start off, I would like to be called by my XboxLive Gamertag:  Vegieza.  Anyone can add me if they would like.  I am the frequently referred to “Jeremy”, as I have been present for the majority of the Goblin’s video game glitches.  All were hilarious.  Based upon a lack of a continuous video game review segment, I have been asked to put my current education to the test.

I was asked to come up with 5 pros and 5 cons for Assassin’s Creed II.  After a week or so of thought, I believe I have accumulated a list that will help you, the reader, decide whether or not to throw down 6 Hamiltons on the counter at GameStop and pick it up.  I will begin with 5 reasons as to why I feel that Assassin’s Creed II is my personal Game of the Year for 2009.

PROS:

It expands on everything in the first game. Yes. You heard me. Everything is better than the first Assassin’s Creed.  There are more moves.  There are more weapons.  There are more things to do.  It is at least twice as long.  The world is way more interesting to explore.  The blending system isn’t broken.  Everything.  Therefore it creates the second pro.

The game has removed most of the elements players complained about the first time around. The main complaint about Assassin’s Creed was the sheer redundancy of the investigation missions.  These have been completely removed.  Never again will you have to sit on a bench and eavesdrop.  At least 99% of the missions in the game are completely different than all of the other missions.  It’s like a more linear Grand Theft Auto type mission setup.  The odds are if you didn’t like the first game you will like the second.

The story destroys your childhood and punches history buffs in the face. I love this plotline.  How on earth the developers came from, “Hey, we should make a game about assassinating people” to this is unbelievable.  Personally, I love conspiracy theories, and the plot’s twists and turns this story weaves has rocketed it into my favorite 5 plotlines (One Piece, Lost, Metal Gear Solid, Mass Effect, and this).  Pretty much everything teachers taught you in history class are contorted and warped into this plotline, and it’s done brilliantly.  I cannot wait for the third game just to get more story.  Delicious.

It’s a pretty easy 1000/1000 or Platinum. Once you get to know me you’ll find out that I’m an achievement whore.  I’ve gotten all 1000 achievement points on this game, and the trophies on the PS3 are the same, so you can get an easy Platinum there.  The only minorly difficult one would be getting all 100 feathers in the game.  A good tip is to try not to collect any as you play.  After you finish the game you can easily follow a guide and it shouldn’t take but a little over an hour to get all of them.  If you’re having any difficulty on a few others, consult a guide and you’ll have them in no time.  Also, the only “missable” achievement/trophy is to kick a soldier while flying.  You have to lock on to one and it automatically does it.  Anyways, as some people buy game specifically for achievement points, this is an easy sell.  Heck, you might have some fun while you get them. >.>

Desmond doesn’t come out of the animus as often. There are only two points where you will come out of the animus.  Those are pretty creative sections, so gone are the reading of people’s e-mails and the pick pocketing of fountain pens.  I believe since Ezio is such an outstanding character, Desmond should take a backseat in this game.  They provide enough story to make up for it.  Plus, the story actually has a point as to why you’re in for such long periods and it will be included in the story later.

CONS:

The Notorious system is a little too easy to get out of. In order to alleviate the complaint from the first game where soldiers constantly hate Altair at all times, a “Notorious” system is provided.  For everything bad you do, a meter fills up.  When it fills completely, guards hate you just like the old days.  There are specific things you can do to bring the meter back down, but tearing down a wanted poster shouldn’t make it decrease a whole quarter of the meter.

There are sections missing from the game. “Corrupted” memory blocks create a few quite literal plot holes toward the end of the game.  This creates something briefly interesting, but the reason this was done was to make you pay for Downloadable Content.  The first DLC pack, “The Battle of Forli”, has been released, but it isn’t looking like much of a buy.  There are no achievements and it is only about 1-2 hours long.  In addition, this DLC leaves off on yet another cliffhanger.  Just wait until the second one comes out and get both.

While more complex in execution (pun intended), the assassinations seem less…  personal. After the first 2 assassinations or so, the plot goes crazy and it’s really hard to realize why exactly it is that you’re killing these guys.  About two thirds of the way through, though, they start providing videos explaining on who exactly some of the people are and why you’re assassinating them.

Lucy’s face is bad. What the heck did they think they were doing when they animated Lucy (voiced by Kristen Bell)?  The entire series’ graphics got enhanced and even cooler looking except for her (quite the opposite).  At least you don’t see her much.

Ezio’s personal bubble hates escorts. Yes, that sentence is correct.  Whenever Ezio (or Desmond, for that matter) is walking beside someone or blending in with anyone who’s walking, his body turns (not the legs, mind you) toward the person.  It is the most awkward looking thing ever.  I hated it the entire game.

Well, there you go.  I wanted this to be slightly more extensive than I’ll try to have it other times, because once again I believe this was the best game of last year.  Thanks for letting me do this, Goblin.

Requiescat in pace.

Because they released the opening to his anime favorite. I am amazed and confounded that they actually animated the intro to this show, which does not exist. Amazing.

via No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle Video Game, Bizarre Jelly Cutscene | Game Trailers & Videos | GameTrailers.com.

Thanks also to FredEx919.

We come now, in the early hours of the Lord’s day, to the main reason I started this blog.

I call this segment the Glitch of the Week!

Basically, once a week, I give an outlined detail of one of my more ridiculous video game glitches. There’s only one game I’ve ever completed glitch free: .hack//infection, and if I DID have a glitch, how was I supposed to NOTICE?!

This week, I tackle one of my personal favorite glitches from God of War II.

Near of the begining of the story, Kratos encounters a titan named Typhon, who blasts him with wind in an attempt to kill Kratos, the one man who wants to help the Titans. retarded? Yep. Fun? You bet.

This is the face that says 'Don't help me escape jail, I deserve to be imprisoned for no reason, now watch as I fight you for trying to rescue me, because I was wrongfully put here. Breeze blowing son-of-Gaia.'

Speaking of Gaia, this means Gaia, mother earth, sent Kratos to go gouge out her son’s eye without even giving the guy a phone call. Thanks mom. You know what Mother Earth gets for Mother’s day? Eco terrorism. Captain Planet can eat it when mommy sends some greek dude to pop out something you need to see. Deforestation, here I come.

Anyhow, when fighting him, you avoid his breath, because he’s a bigger blowhard than Al Gore. (zing!) Just kidding. Al Gore is still the bigger windbag. However, eventually you get the opportunity to tear out his eye and claim the bow hidden within. Why is there a bow in his eye? I’m putting MY bets that he came home from the prom with a fire Nymph and mommy found out. Tree-covered bag probably put it there just to spite poor Typhon.

Mother of the year? Maybe not. World's biggest bonfire? Call the colleges and order the kegs, it's about to get real.

Well, long and short of it, you’re supposed to tear out the bow and mercilessly wail on Typhon for a bit, but my game wouldn’t allow it. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one who encountered the glitch.

Skip to about 3:30 to see the travesty in action. Thanks to NextGen Walkthroughs for the vid.

In addition, after stabbing the air like a merciless fusion of Shaquille O’Neal and OJ Simpson, my Kratos fell back to earth, heavily damaged and surrounded my bats. Terribly annoying, but very fun to watch!

Well, that’s it for this installment of Glitch of the Week. Make sure to tune in next week. I’ve been playing Braid like crazy and already found a glitch less than halfway through.

Until then readers. -GG