Give her room, guys. This week, The Fangirl’s back, gloves on, and she’s got some jaws to break. As always, her cacophony of, uh, ‘colorful’ insight is presented unedited and definitely NSFW.

I’m taking a request from the Goblin this week. He asked that I rant about fangirl stereotypes, but honestly, I’ve been having a hard time narrowing “the fangirl” into a stereotype. I feel “the fangirl” is still in the process of being defined, because we have come to the forefront as a people during a time when fandom is so varied. Star Wars, Twilight, Star Trek, Batman, and several different kinds of anime all popular right now, and they are all going to attract very different types of women. We also finally have strong nerd-girl role models in the spotlight, like Tina Fey, Olivia Munn, and Kristen Bell, standing right up there and holding their own with the fanboys. So since I couldn’t stuff us into one box, I decided to see what other people were saying about fangirls.

Almost immediately, I came across this pouty, uninformed column, entitled “Girly Stereotypes: The Fangirl” by a Ms. Bridget Orr on the blog, DollyMix. I can only assume the comments section for the story are closed because of the slew of fangirls reporting in to tell her to go fuck herself and suggesting the Twilight –themed “Vamp” dildo to do it with. Ms. Orr is under the impression that being a fangirl means that you only like a movie or series because you cream your panties when your favorite guy star walks on screen. Frankly, she thinks all of you posers should be ashamed of yourselves for only liking something on such superficial terms, because it makes her and the rest of the “normal” female fans look bad. I’m gonna let you people read this for yourselves before I verbally kick this self-hating fangirl in the twat:

From the mouth of Ms. Orr and DollyMix: “The main differences between normal fans and squeeing fangirls are ambiguous to say the least. If it helps, the easiest way to distinguish between normal fans and squeeing fangirls is being a fan (FOTL: Being a fan? You mother fucker.). They are presumably much younger than normal fans (FOTL: Huh?). They are presumably girlier than normal fans. They’re not as obsessive as normal fans (FOTL: Where the FUCK is this coming from?). They like bands, films or television series for more superficial reasons than normal fans. Putting it this way, they are not normal fans like you and me.”

I don’t know where she is getting this from. She doesn’t cite anything except Urban Dictionary.com, The Oxford English Dictionary, and her own experiences of being teased for being a fan and a girl, which tells me it’s not fangirls that are the problem, it’s her douche-y fucking friends. I can only assume the younger and girlier assumptions are coming from the images of screaming teenage girls at the Twilight premieres. Not as obsessive though? Now you are just pissing me off. Why don’t you actually hang out with some fangirls? You might actually like us, and realize that we are not all terminally horny, manllow-humping, 8^th-graders.

That being said, I gotta stand up for the Twilight chicks right now. People may think that women go to see Twilight because of the pretty boys in it, and I’m sure a lot of girls do, but not all of them. The Twilight fangirls that I know personally, know every-fucking-thing about those books and are just as freaked out by the manllows as everybody else. The dudes may have been a segway into fandom for them, but it is not why they stayed. They stayed because they loved the series, just like the rest of us love Star Wars, Star Trek, Bleach, whatever. They fucking know their shit, and they earned their fangirl title, and I respect their obsession, despite the manllows.

Also, I feel I need to address my former Obi-Wan obsession. I admit, Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan lured me into Star Wars, but it was seeing the Trilogy that hooked me. There is so much to love in Star Wars. It’s a vast galaxy. There is Yoda, the Skywalkers, Boba Fett, Darth-Fucking-Vader. If you are in it just for one character, I’m sorry, you are not a fangirl. I wouldn’t even call you a fan. Certainly a fan of that actor, but not a fan of a series.

I’m sorry, Ms. Orr, but if you are so fucking knowledgeable about your obsession of choice, you are a fangirl. Believe me, I hate calling you that too, because I don’t want to share the title with someone who is too scared of being socially ostracized to take it for herself. I find your narrow-minded definition and lack of research insulting.

Take it from a fangirl who knows. You’re one of us. You just need the courage to own it.

Ok, due to rave reviews and my promise to those that love the segment, FOTL will again be presented unedited and NSFW. That warning aside, here’s the most graphic FOTL I’ve ever read, and if I know my audience, it’s right up you alley.

I Can’t Un-See This: The Twilight Manllows

This concerns me not just as a girl, but as a nerd. First of all, this thing is homemade. Some chick was so obsessed with snuggling up to/humping in the dark with the Twilight dudes that she fucking made it happen. That takes passion and skill, people, and a whole lot of fucking crazy. I never made myself a stuffed Franken-Kenobi, and it wasn’t just because I am a perfectionist and would never be satisfied with a nightmare-inducing, lumpy-looking, man-pillow hybrid. It was because I know that when you start making real-life substitutes for your favorite fictional characters, maybe you need to back off your geek obsession a little. No one wants to be that nerd, the nerd who no one else wants to be. You know, like the ones that write Robocop/Pokémon porn and makes Edward and Jacob manllows. She’s just one lonely night away from slapping one of those sparkly, Twilight-inspired “Vamp” dildos on her manllow, and then she’s basically got one of those RealDoll sex-bots that lonely, pathetic male nerds have been shelling out thousands of dollars for recently.

Secondly, yes, there is a Twilight-inspired dildo. You read that right. Check the link, read the comments, they’re very funny. The product description encourages the user to put it in the freezer to give it that authentic, vampire feel. What are you gonna tell the ER doctors when he’s asking you how you got frostbite on your snatch? “I just wanted to know what it was like to fuck a sexy, bloodthirsty corpse. Don’t judge me.”

And yes, the dildo sparkles.

I really don’t know what else to say. As a woman, I can’t relate to this chick at all. I guess I should say these chicks, because the manllows are sold out. As a geek, I’m simply scared, because this is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen. This was a line I never wanted to cross in my late-night nerd fantasies, and the Twilight fans have done it twice now.

So, Twilight-ers, please give us some feedback. Make me understand this, because now every time I see a teenage girl reading a worn-out copy of Breaking Dawn, I’m gonna start to hyperventilate and look for the nearest exit. I think a manllow is just one step away from murdering Robert Pattison and dancing around in his skin to “Goodbye Horses.”

Goblin here. We’ve finally got a fangirl on our staff, and she’s gunna rock your socks, fools. As per requests, we’ll be presenting it uncensored, so brace for impact. Got fangirl questions? Send ‘em. So, without further ado, I’ll give it away to Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose!

Hey, fanboys. Girls. Fanpeople. Whatever. You nerds. You geniuses in your chosen obsession. Anyway, what’s up, I’m Haley the Fangirl, and I’m going to be adding some feminine presence to Glitchy Goblin. But don’t freak out. Being a fangirl isn’t all glitterly vampires, Nathan Fillion, and profile pictures of my cat. Well, maybe for some chicks. For me, it’s more about Star Wars, comic books and lots of ass-kicking. I don’t even have a cat. Rest in peace, Boo Boo.

So we can get to know each other a little better, here are some fun facts about me:

• I got my first comic book when I was 8-years-old. My uncle got me Catwoman #6 for Christmas. Why he got me a book with the demonic-looking, 1980’s cyber-shit Jean Paul Valley Batman hovering over Catwoman who is carrying a barrel of toxic waste, on it, I’ll never understand. But he smoked a lot of weed back then, so maybe he just didn’t notice.
• Just so you don’t have to ask: No, I don’t like Twilight. Actually, I haven’t seen it or read it, because I’m too much of a Stoker-canon geek to want to.
• I know more about Obi-Wan Kenobi than you ever will. No, just shut up, stop whatever arguments you are imagining right now. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL ABOUT GENERAL KENOBI. Okay, don’t believe me, here is what I did during my adolescence: I read about Obi-Wan, I taped pictures of him to my wall, and I imagined fucking him, end of story. While my friends were dreaming about N’Sync serenading them and only them, I was writing about getting into Obi-Wan’s Jedi pants, despite his arguments about how the Jedi avoid such entanglements. Of course, I would always win because I was a hot, charming, Corellian detective whose spunk and sweet ass he could not resist.

And Ryder Windham, I certainly know more than you, you overpaid fuck. You wrote The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi biography over the fucking weekend, I know it! Don’t lie to me! And it’s not like that’s the only thing you’ve fucked up. You didn’t even include the Jedi Code in The Essential Guide to the Force. It was a fucking footnote! I fucking hate you. I am now declaring you my official nemesis, you Lucas-sucking nerf herder.

• My Star Wars obsession forced me to gain 15 pounds the summer of 1999 because I was trying to collect all of the Pepsi Co. promotional cans for Star Wars: Episode I. My mom wouldn’t buy me another case until I finished the one that we had, so I sacrificed my 5’4” frame for the cause. Fifteen pounds on a short girl can make a big, crap-now-I’m-even-more-socially-awkward difference. The invention of the Yoda Soda (1 can Mt. Dew, 2 green pixie sticks, 1 blue pixie stick) by my friends and I didn’t help. We would also dig through the trash for cans after lunch period. I’m going to call these examples of dedication.

I suppose that’s enough for now. I could go on about what’s on my pull list, the costumes I’m working on and how much I adore Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, but I feel like you guys have gotten a taste for me now. That sticky, sweet nerd-girl taste. Like the inside of Catwoman’s jumpsuit after a night of thievery and awesomeness.

If you all have any questions for me, like “Why won’t my girlfriend dress up as Slave Leia?” or “What should I do to impress this hot fangirl in my class?” just e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com. See you next week, nerds.

So, I reviewed Twilight today, just scroll down if you don’t beleive me. No seriously, read it… please? it makes me feel all important and such. Any how, Today’s pics are in “honor” (or horror) of Twilight.

Pictured: An actual (half) vampire, with vampiric weaknesses, who fights real vampires, with real vampiric strengths and weaknesses.

Yeah, I went there. Eat some poop, Meyer. Next?

Pictured: Much closer to Meyer's vampire. He just needs to be pretty and bam. Twilight "Vampire." Oh, except, not even a Thunder Stone can make Edward interesting.

As always, right click to view the full sized image. Also, if you send me an image and I use it, you get the credit! Get on it, lazy hacks.

Alright. Lemme start this nonsense off by saying two things.

1.) I am NOT a sixteen-year-old girl. So, unlike those squeeling masses, expect my opinions to be rational.

2.) I watched this movie with rifftrax to make it enjoyable.

For the ten of you who DON’T know what rifftrax are, google it. It’s a separate audio file of heckling commentary recorded by the guys who used to do Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Now, without further ado… I unfortunately present to you…

Her face: My look of upset disdain going into the movie. His face: My boiling hatred coming to the surface in violent disbeleif as the credits rolled.

Yup. Twilight. Spoilers in green. Heckling in black.

The movie starts out slow, Bella is moving from Pheonix (cause it dies and rises from the dead, LOL!!!) to Forks so she can spoon. or because it was barely a Fork in the road. It sucks. Hate the town’s name.

Anyway.  For some reason, everyone in school IMMEDIATELY wants to date Bella. From the fans I’ve talked to, it’s a mysterious gift that attracts EVERYONE to her, and makes her super delicious to “vampires.” I put that word in quotes for a reason. Read on.

So, a couple months or less into school, Bella has four (or more) guys all trying to date her, including a “werewolf,” two “vampires,” and an asian guy. All of which are impossible to me, because she’s food to the first three, and the last guy seemed much more into the football team, if you catch my drift.

And they’re all terrible stalkers. Edward constantly throws off such winning lines as “I’m VERY protective of you,” while pinning her to a rock alone in the woods two weeks into their relationship. Another great example is uprooting trees and threatening her alone in the woods. The Native American dude also confesses that he only wants to take his dad over to their house to spend more time with her and watches her creepily from the woods. Even the “normal” guy is constantly asking her questions for an ‘article.’ Yeah right. continue to decorate your shrine, Romeo.

Anyway (again). The movie is full of terribly awkward moments where no one says anything and they don’t even try to make small talk, making it feel very cliche, like a bad soap opera. Or a Mary Sue Story. Which it is. Both.

“Vampires” fight and petals keep falling off Bella and Edward’s romanticly flowery “romance.” Lots of people watch angrily from the distance. It seriously happens like a dozen times.

By the end of the movie, Edward has saved Bella (who, incidentally, continues to endanger her father, somehow, and STILL treat him like crap at every possible turn).

That being said, endure my rant for a second here.

The Vampires of Twilight aren’t even Vampires. According to the Twilight Wikipedia article, the “Author” did no research of Vampires before writing the books and based the entire terrible affair on some ridiculous dream.

Now, I’m sure you noticed at leas one set of quotes in this article. There are three. Three things that Stephanie Meyer, author of Twilight, often spews gibberish about. I plan to tell you what she gets wrong, classically, about these archetypes.

1. Vampirs (classical) followed by Meyer’s version

- (burned/destroyed by sunlight) Sparkle like glitter in the sun.

- (sleep during the day) Never sleep. EVER.

- (Feed on blood, usually human) Feed on food, then vomit. Drink any type of blood, but human is best. The type of blood they drink changes their eye color. Human blood turns their eyes dark crimson. If they drink animal blood, they turn golden and shiny.

- (enhanced strength and speed) She got this right, at least.

- (weakness to holy items, possibly ignored by alternate faiths or stronger vampires) nope. Nothing here.

- (weakness to garlic) nope.

- (Vampires have no reflection) They do. How ELSE could they do their hair?!

- (Vampires rest in coffins, usually with soil from their homeland) No need, they live in a window-laden mountainside villa with daybeds! Yay!

- (Vampires can transform into familiars, such as a bat, bat swarm, fog, poison gass, etc.) Wait… nope, that’s the not werewolves.

- (Inability to cross running water) but… but but but… they need their own cruise ship!

- (flight) kinda. They can jump stupidly high.

- (Cannot cross portals when unwelcome, ignored by stronger vampires) Nope. They can sneak in and stare at you while you sleep every Single NIGHT.

- (must count scattered pieces, such as scattered rice, rarely used) nope. Not here.

- (in rare cases, weakness to silver) none at all.

- (Killed by a stake through the heart, or sometimes dismemberment) Here,even the classic constant stake is gone. You have to rip off all limbs and burn them.

- (Mind reading, rarely) it’s there, in one case.

- (Seduction) it’s there, even if it doesn’t make any sense.

- (???) They also have random super powers, varying from individual to individual.

Meaning that a terrible car crash could kill a vampire. Which could happen, because they drive, even though they can fly and carry people easily.
Plus, without any exploitable weaknesses, even if you ASSUME they hide in fear of persicution, they have no need to live in secrecy. They aren’t some exploitable second class seeking to do evil, living in constant weakness. They could conquer the world in mere hours. So… why do they hide in this series? Cause they claim to be vampires.

2.) Werewolves – The werewolves are just as bad. Firstly, they simply, at will, may transform into a wolf. Not a wolfman, not on the full moon, but anytime. Also, no weakness to silver or wolfsbane or anything.

Plus, they’re all Native Americans. Yay racism in teen targeted books. Not to mention it’s displayed positively.

3.) Authors – Lastly, Stephanie Meyer has another serious misconception she thinks she knows everything about. She thinks she’s an Author.

Authors write books that make sense. In my opinion, if your book is a total failure and makes no sense and lacks coherence, you cannot claim to be an Author. You may call yourself a writer, Meyer, but until your book makes sense and isn’t pandering to 16-year-olds who want every perfect boy in school to drool over them, you’ll never be an author to me.

Anyway (last time, promise). The movie was just as terrible and has all the problems I’ve just stated. However, if you can overlook this, go enjoy Twilight.

If you’re in the other 90% of the population (reasonable people) then only watch this if it has the Riff Trax. Nothing better than hearing the guys say ‘Line’ every ten seconds, when dialogue should be happening, or heckling the creepy, metrosexual, rapist-esque comments pouring out of Edward’s mouth.

However, it was a friend who got the movie and the riff trax, brought it to my house, and even after having my entertainment brought to my house and played in front of me, I still felt slighted and wanted to demand my money back at the end of this movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS STUPID, FANGIRL SQUEAL OF A FILM!!!

As a Movie, GG gives Twilight a 2 / 10 for cool effects.

As a Paranormal Series, GG gives Twilight a 0 / 10. Don’t call superpowered zombies Vampires, Meyer.

With Riff Trax, Twilight Gets a 6 /10, because as funny as it was, I still wanted to vomit uncontrollably.

Oh, if you’re a fangirl and are angry, leave a comment for me to laught at. I’ll be nice to your face and will debate with you, if you are civil and don’t type in all caps.