G l i t c h y G o b l i n ! » star wars

LATE Fangirl on the Loose: Goblin’s Fail Edition!

Glitchy Goblin — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 06:02:34 +0000

Okay ya’ll, been a BUSY week for me, my bad. Here’s a slightly delayed Hayley, with Fangirl on the Loose.

If you love her rants like I do, frequent her website! CLICK HERE!

You know when I said that Boba playing Legend of Zelda music on an accordion would be the biggest nerdgasm you would ever have? Yea, well, looks like I was wrong. JimmyJane, a company that creates sex toys, has created a clit vibe called the Form 2 that looks curiously like the Millennium Falcon. They claim that this wasn’t actually their intention, but they’re running with it and have even created a comparison chart of the two:

I have a very bad feeling about this. We nerds are an addictive people. We’re complete-ists who will spend hundreds of dollars on toys and collectibles just to say that we have more than somebody else. Shit, some of us will even buy the same action figure over and over again just because the packaging has changed. Who’s to say that we nerds won’t go overboard when it comes to infusing our sex lives with nerdery? I’m afraid it could spiral out of control like with the Twilighters. They started out as harmless tweens with a vampire fetish, and then BOOM! They’ve got the Vamp dildos, which snowballed into the manllows, and who knows what kind of weird shit will be out by the time the Breaking Dawn movie is released. Are vampire teeth nipple clamps next?

For us, it could start with the Form 2/ Falcon vibe. Then pretty soon, we’re sticking a vacuum cleaner hose through the mouth hole of our Greedo Halloween masks so we can pretend we’re getting ours necks suckled (or other areas) by a dirty alien mercenary while we wedge Hasbro lightsabers up our asses, clamp our stormtrooper and ewok Pez dispensers onto our nipples, and finally choke ourselves with a video game controller chord while we snort coke off a cardboard standee.

I’m just saying that it can only get weirder from here. So… are you gonna buy one?

Fangirl on the Loose: How to Talk to Fangirls

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:43:47 +0000

Talking to Fangirls:

Being a fangirl in a fanboy’s world, I have experienced a lot of, well, unfortunate and embarrassing displays of “admiration.” I get it. I’m a rarity. Not a lot of chicks walk into the comic book store or make obscure references to Batman villains at work. But some fanboys act like they have never, ever been in contact with a woman before, and this concerns me because they make some of the dumbest fucking assumptions about me, and what I may know and care about.

I’m gonna help you guys out. Here is how not to talk to a fangirl, so you won’t verbally faceplant like these guys did.

Rule #1: Don’t assume that because you have the penis, that you are a bigger fan than me.

This is the quickest way to piss me the fuck off. It’s openly sexist. You are trying to impress me with news that happened months ago, because I, a girl, obviously would not be keeping up with the comings and goings of my own obsession. What the fuck? I get that if you had just met someone, you might throw out a few facts to see how they react, to see if they are as up to speed as you, but don’t insult their intelligence.

The biggest incident concerning this happened just a few months ago. My comic book store in Knoxville was closing (Triad Comics, R.I.P.), and this dude was trying to impress me with his Star Wars knowledge. Death Troopers had come out the day before, and he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I had heard of it. Yea, fucker, I had, like way fucking back in February 2009, when it had been announced. It was a fucking Star Wars novel combining zombies with Han and Chewie on a prison barge, how could I let that kind of holy geekery slip past me! It was all any nerd could talk about that week! I would have had to have been deaf and blind not to have at least heard of it, and there I was, holding my stack of Star Wars comics and a Tag & Bink trade paperback, and he still assumed I was a casual fan! So fuck you! Fuck you for assuming I didn’t know my shit, and for still going on and on about it even after I told you, “Yes, I know what it is,” and even explaining that I hadn’t bought it yet because I didn’t have the money for a hardback! You still had to go on like I didn’t know what it was about, like I was just yes-ing you or buying it just because it said “Star Wars” on the cover! FUCK YOU!!!

Rule #2: Don’t try to be a pimp. We’re too smart for that.

Before Triad opened, I had to go to this creepy comic book store called, we’ll say, “Collector’s Hell”. At the time, the owner, who we will call “Silent Bob,” had this guy working there who was kind of like “Jay” because he thought he was a smooth pimp, who loved the pussy, and Tubby there, was his fat man servant. For those of you who don’t get the reference, that was a line from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Anyway, “Jay” was the kind of nerd who thought he was a fucking pimp, and he loved it when my nerdy, underage self would come in. He was pathetic, and would try to impress me with stuff even a sheltered, 16-year-old knew was bullshit. I always wondered if he would ever realize how gross and sad he was, a thirty-something year old man, hitting on a teenager, always asking me when I was going to turn eighteen. Then years later, after “Jay” had left the store, I asked “Silent Bob” if he needed any help in the summer, since I felt relatively safe around a man who only ever said “Hello,” and “Here’s your change.” He said “Yea, I can think of a few positions that you would be good at,” in a tone that told me he wasn’t talking about filing the back issues or organizing the posters. I never went back. Epic fail, guys.

What is it that Jay’s shoulder angel said in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he was gonna pull his dick out to impress Justice? Oh, yea. “That’s it, boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit’s gonna work for this one.”

Exactly.

Rule #3: Don’t tell me you’ve met celebrities known for never doing the convention circuit. I know you are full of shit.

“Jay” once told me he met Harrison Ford at a Star Wars convention in Nashville. Bitch, please. Do I even have to explain to any of you how far-fetched that is? Probably not.

About six months ago, one of my fangirl friends and I went into Triad, and I suppose we left ourselves open to conversation because we bust in there ranting about how there’s hyperspace travel, air speeders, and other complex technologies in the Star Wars prequels, but evidently no effective birth control. There was no doubt that we were Star Wars fangirls. So this 50-year-old man starts macking on us, telling us about his $10,000 Star Wars collection and how he met Ewan McGregor at Celebration II. Obviously he didn’t know who he was messing with. 1) I was at that convention. The closest Ewan McGregor got to it was a video he and George were in that played during the opening ceremony where they thanked everyone for coming. They were a safe distance of 2,000 miles away. 2) If Ewan had been at CII, I would have sensed it through the Force. My vagina would have started to emit a sonar-like pulse and immediately started honing in on his location. Once his position was confirmed, my pussy would have sent his coordinates to the GPS trackers in my nipples, which would have locked onto his location. I like to imagine my nipples emitting a “Boop, boop, boop” noise during all of this. God help the volunteer 501^st trooper who would have stood in the way of my horny, 16-year-old self. 3) Ewan McGregor has never been to any convention, you fucking asshole.

Rule #4: Just be yourself.

Don’t put on airs to talk to us. We won’t do it for you. You’re much more attractive when we’re not having to wade through a sea of bullshit to find about if you are worth our time or not.

Whew. That wore me out. Let me know what you think at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com or on my blog. MTFBWY.

Fangirl on the Loose: Haters

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:21:03 +0000

Give her room, guys. This week, The Fangirl’s back, gloves on, and she’s got some jaws to break. As always, her cacophony of, uh, ‘colorful’ insight is presented unedited and definitely NSFW.

I’m taking a request from the Goblin this week. He asked that I rant about fangirl stereotypes, but honestly, I’ve been having a hard time narrowing “the fangirl” into a stereotype. I feel “the fangirl” is still in the process of being defined, because we have come to the forefront as a people during a time when fandom is so varied. Star Wars, Twilight, Star Trek, Batman, and several different kinds of anime all popular right now, and they are all going to attract very different types of women. We also finally have strong nerd-girl role models in the spotlight, like Tina Fey, Olivia Munn, and Kristen Bell, standing right up there and holding their own with the fanboys. So since I couldn’t stuff us into one box, I decided to see what other people were saying about fangirls.

Almost immediately, I came across this pouty, uninformed column, entitled “Girly Stereotypes: The Fangirl” by a Ms. Bridget Orr on the blog, DollyMix. I can only assume the comments section for the story are closed because of the slew of fangirls reporting in to tell her to go fuck herself and suggesting the Twilight –themed “Vamp” dildo to do it with. Ms. Orr is under the impression that being a fangirl means that you only like a movie or series because you cream your panties when your favorite guy star walks on screen. Frankly, she thinks all of you posers should be ashamed of yourselves for only liking something on such superficial terms, because it makes her and the rest of the “normal” female fans look bad. I’m gonna let you people read this for yourselves before I verbally kick this self-hating fangirl in the twat:

From the mouth of Ms. Orr and DollyMix: “The main differences between normal fans and squeeing fangirls are ambiguous to say the least. If it helps, the easiest way to distinguish between normal fans and squeeing fangirls is being a fan (FOTL: Being a fan? You mother fucker.). They are presumably much younger than normal fans (FOTL: Huh?). They are presumably girlier than normal fans. They’re not as obsessive as normal fans (FOTL: Where the FUCK is this coming from?). They like bands, films or television series for more superficial reasons than normal fans. Putting it this way, they are not normal fans like you and me.”

I don’t know where she is getting this from. She doesn’t cite anything except Urban Dictionary.com, The Oxford English Dictionary, and her own experiences of being teased for being a fan and a girl, which tells me it’s not fangirls that are the problem, it’s her douche-y fucking friends. I can only assume the younger and girlier assumptions are coming from the images of screaming teenage girls at the Twilight premieres. Not as obsessive though? Now you are just pissing me off. Why don’t you actually hang out with some fangirls? You might actually like us, and realize that we are not all terminally horny, manllow-humping, 8^th-graders.

That being said, I gotta stand up for the Twilight chicks right now. People may think that women go to see Twilight because of the pretty boys in it, and I’m sure a lot of girls do, but not all of them. The Twilight fangirls that I know personally, know every-fucking-thing about those books and are just as freaked out by the manllows as everybody else. The dudes may have been a segway into fandom for them, but it is not why they stayed. They stayed because they loved the series, just like the rest of us love Star Wars, Star Trek, Bleach, whatever. They fucking know their shit, and they earned their fangirl title, and I respect their obsession, despite the manllows.

Also, I feel I need to address my former Obi-Wan obsession. I admit, Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan lured me into Star Wars, but it was seeing the Trilogy that hooked me. There is so much to love in Star Wars. It’s a vast galaxy. There is Yoda, the Skywalkers, Boba Fett, Darth-Fucking-Vader. If you are in it just for one character, I’m sorry, you are not a fangirl. I wouldn’t even call you a fan. Certainly a fan of that actor, but not a fan of a series.

I’m sorry, Ms. Orr, but if you are so fucking knowledgeable about your obsession of choice, you are a fangirl. Believe me, I hate calling you that too, because I don’t want to share the title with someone who is too scared of being socially ostracized to take it for herself. I find your narrow-minded definition and lack of research insulting.

Take it from a fangirl who knows. You’re one of us. You just need the courage to own it.

Fangirl on the Loose! Nerd Rage: Damsels in Distress on The Clone Wars

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:14:11 +0000

Sup Gobbies? Goblin here, introducing Fangirl on the Loose, number two. It’s a doozy, too, so buckle up. As always, it’s unedited and NSFW. Enjoy!

I don’t know if you guys have been following The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network, but last week’s episode kinda hit me in my little black fangirl heart. Last week, our good Master Kenobi said that he would have left the Order for Duchess Satine of Mandalore, if she had just asked him to all those unspecified years ago. What the fuck? I would have lost some Republic credits on that bet.

I spent years trying to figure out how to reasonably maneuver my fanfiction character into Obi-Wan’s Jedi knickers, when evidently all I had to do was make my character hide behind a few rocks. To think I wasted so much paper on sassy dialogue, trying to become an equal in combat, and drunken seductions, when all I had to do was quit trying so hard and create a classic damsel in distress, rescue-my-girly-ass, kinda situation.

Sure, Satine has her merits. I like that she’s smart, funny, and a master of biting sarcasm. A lot of other fangirls like her, too. But because of her pacifist beliefs, she’s made herself a willing (willing, damn it!) damsel in distress, and I just can’t fucking left that go.

Two weeks ago, when I watched the first episode in this story arc, “The Mandalore Plot,” something just bothered me about it. I just couldn’t figure it out. Something was out of place. That’s when it hit me. She was the first chick in the entire series to ever hide behind a mother-fucking rock while her boyfriend played hero and rescued them both.

What the fuck? I didn’t even know damsels in distress existed in Star Wars. Sure, Padme and Leia have both been in situations where they needed a little help from their friends (I’m thinking particularly of Leia in the Death Star’s holding cell), but as soon as they could get their hands on a blaster, they were going to defend themselves against more than just droids if they had too.

Also, The Clone Wars writers basically refitted the Anakin-Padme romance to an Obi-Wan storyline. Are Jedi only in to royal pussy? Does blue-collar pussy not taste as sweet? Does it taste like unpaid bills, a 12-pack of ramen noodle, and despair? Why couldn’t Filoni and the team have reached a little further in coming up with a new female character? We have so few of them guys, I’m just asking you to go outside of the box a little.

So far I’ve really enjoyed The Clone Wars. As you guys can probably tell, I’m a girl who loves explosions and ass-kicking, and they have definitely delivered on that this season. But I can’t sit and watch these episodes and not notice this anymore, this I-love-you-because-you-let-me-be-the-man-and-protect-you-while-you-cowered-with-fear thing. I thought we were past that people. And she’s from Mandalore! She was supposed to be the duchess of ass-kicking! She was supposed to bring Hell to your fucking door if you were foolish enough to challenge her! That was a real mind-fuck, guys. Totally surprised me with the Mandalorians being pacifists thing.

Sigh. I’m going to go listen to “Fett’s Vette” and fume. As always, for questions, comments, or rants, leave a comment or e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com.

New Writer: Introducing the Lovely and Talented “Fangirl on the Loose!”

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 16:13:16 +0000

Goblin here. We’ve finally got a fangirl on our staff, and she’s gunna rock your socks, fools. As per requests, we’ll be presenting it uncensored, so brace for impact. Got fangirl questions? Send ‘em. So, without further ado, I’ll give it away to Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose!

Hey, fanboys. Girls. Fanpeople. Whatever. You nerds. You geniuses in your chosen obsession. Anyway, what’s up, I’m Haley the Fangirl, and I’m going to be adding some feminine presence to Glitchy Goblin. But don’t freak out. Being a fangirl isn’t all glitterly vampires, Nathan Fillion, and profile pictures of my cat. Well, maybe for some chicks. For me, it’s more about Star Wars, comic books and lots of ass-kicking. I don’t even have a cat. Rest in peace, Boo Boo.

So we can get to know each other a little better, here are some fun facts about me:

I got my first comic book when I was 8-years-old. My uncle got me Catwoman #6 for Christmas. Why he got me a book with the demonic-looking, 1980’s cyber-shit Jean Paul Valley Batman hovering over Catwoman who is carrying a barrel of toxic waste, on it, I’ll never understand. But he smoked a lot of weed back then, so maybe he just didn’t notice.
Just so you don’t have to ask: No, I don’t like Twilight. Actually, I haven’t seen it or read it, because I’m too much of a Stoker-canon geek to want to.
I know more about Obi-Wan Kenobi than you ever will. No, just shut up, stop whatever arguments you are imagining right now. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL ABOUT GENERAL KENOBI. Okay, don’t believe me, here is what I did during my adolescence: I read about Obi-Wan, I taped pictures of him to my wall, and I imagined fucking him, end of story. While my friends were dreaming about N’Sync serenading them and only them, I was writing about getting into Obi-Wan’s Jedi pants, despite his arguments about how the Jedi avoid such entanglements. Of course, I would always win because I was a hot, charming, Corellian detective whose spunk and sweet ass he could not resist.

And Ryder Windham, I certainly know more than you, you overpaid fuck. You wrote The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi biography over the fucking weekend, I know it! Don’t lie to me! And it’s not like that’s the only thing you’ve fucked up. You didn’t even include the Jedi Code in The Essential Guide to the Force. It was a fucking footnote! I fucking hate you. I am now declaring you my official nemesis, you Lucas-sucking nerf herder.

My Star Wars obsession forced me to gain 15 pounds the summer of 1999 because I was trying to collect all of the Pepsi Co. promotional cans for Star Wars: Episode I. My mom wouldn’t buy me another case until I finished the one that we had, so I sacrificed my 5’4” frame for the cause. Fifteen pounds on a short girl can make a big, crap-now-I’m-even-more-socially-awkward difference. The invention of the Yoda Soda (1 can Mt. Dew, 2 green pixie sticks, 1 blue pixie stick) by my friends and I didn’t help. We would also dig through the trash for cans after lunch period. I’m going to call these examples of dedication.

I suppose that’s enough for now. I could go on about what’s on my pull list, the costumes I’m working on and how much I adore Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, but I feel like you guys have gotten a taste for me now. That sticky, sweet nerd-girl taste. Like the inside of Catwoman’s jumpsuit after a night of thievery and awesomeness.

If you all have any questions for me, like “Why won’t my girlfriend dress up as Slave Leia?” or “What should I do to impress this hot fangirl in my class?” just e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com. See you next week, nerds.

Movie Monday: Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Glitchy Goblin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 08:22:12 +0000

Alright, back after a wonderful weekend. How you all doing this week?

In case you haven’t noticed, Monday’s post is out in the wee hours of Monday, meaning I’m on track for once! Yay!

This week, we’re taking a look at Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Now, this movie is good, if you’re a Star Wars junkie, but only in the right context. That hurts its rating, just FYI. Spoilers in green.

Now, this movie takes place between episodes II and III, during the previously mentioned Clone Wars. As someone whose been hearing about the Clone Wars since I was a kid, through mysterious mentionings in episode IV and various non-cannon sources, I was really excited!

But what you needed to know, what I somehow missed when I saw it in theaters, was that this movie is the first three episodes of the phenomenal series which now airs on Cartoon Network.

That being said, the concept and plot are solid, the characters are cool, the fighting is nifty, and a few design oddities aside, is really quite good. Only a few things make me a tad dizzy…

Jabba has a son… so… where did he go? And an uncle. A super homosexual uncle who talks like a southern belle. I got no problem with gay hutts, but it WAS jarring. AND very interesting, besides.

Also, Anakin’s padawan lived… which I didn’t expect, but I love her in the series. Good stuff. Lastly, they mention bounty hunters… but sadly, no Boba… not yet, anyway.

That being said, I really liked this movie, and in my opinion, it was better and far more interesting than episodes 2 and 3. See it if you haven’t already.

Glitchy Goblin gives Star Wars: The Clone Wars a 7 out of 10.

And next, an A Team update. Stay tuned!

Top 5 Signs Obi-Wan Was Becoming Senile

Glitchy Goblin — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 06:24:34 +0000

5. Obi-Wan forgot how the Force worked.

Now, Old Ben Kenobi is all about the Midi-chlorians in episode 1, but by episode 4, he basically says screw the count, it binds us, penetrates us, you just need to feel it, Luke! I understand desperation, but seriously? Not even telling a kid how it works? Even Han thinks its a religion! Decide, old Ben, is it faith or bacteria that drives your magic?!

4. Obi-Wan forgot R2-D2 and C-3pO.

I know they’re only droids and all, but seriously… ‘I don’t remember ever owning an R2 droid’? R2 REMEMBERS AND HE HAD HIS MEMORY BANKS WIPED!!! I mean, C3 only helped you CART AMIDALA AWAY, DELIVER TWO KIDS AND TRANSPORT THEM TO SAFETY, no biggie.

It’s been brought to my attention that they made an exception and only wiped 3Po’s memory for some reason. Even still, Obi Wan should remember.

3. Obi-Wan forgot who trained him.

I know ol’ Qui-Gon died and all, but seriously… sending Luke to ‘the jedi who trained you’? Not ‘a Jedi elder’ or ‘an esteemed jedi knight’? Too bad Qui remained Gon, if he had had a shimmery ghost like the other Jedi, I’m sure he’d get ticked off too.

2. Obi-Wan forgot Leia was born.

‘He was our last hope.’ Said good old dead Ben Kenobi, to which Yoda responds, ‘No, there is another.’ Did you forget?! You DELIVERED HER. You MET her again, name unchanged… how did it never COME UP?! Heck, she even sent you a message via R2- oh, right, you forgot him too. Jerk.

1. Obi-Wan forgot to age properly.

Ok… so somehow, Luke gets to his late teens, early twenties, and Ben goes from 35-40 to 75??? Ok, lemme do some math here… carry the two… I give up. The new trilogy sucks.

Pic of the Day: Stormtrooper 2-Pack!

Glitchy Goblin — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:50:45 +0000

I couldn’t help myself. I like to keep a daily theme, but I saw these awesome pics. You need them in your life. (kudos to Jeremy for the phrase, I say it a lot now actually…)

So, in the hopes of keeping a theme, it has been a long time since I watched the original Star Wars trilogy… I thought time would never pass fast enough when I got them on VHS as a kid… and now here I am, nearly graduating college.

Enjoy the slowness of your time, Barry Allen. For the rest of us, it blinks away almost as fast as you do.

Likewise, these troopers meet their end all too quickly. Most of them never even see the Jedi coming! So, with that thought…

Pictured: The best marketing idea Lucas never tried... alternately, the most hunger-inducing lego picture I've ever seen.

You want some Stormtrooper Cereal, don’t you? If you said yes, let’s petition Lucas. If you said no, you’re a filthy, filthy liar.

Pictured: A very common grave for a storm trooper.

Not so hungry NOW, are you?! If yes, yeah, thought so. If no, I thought I told you to stop lying when reading my blog.

Now, in your mind, combine the two pictures. Pink milk! That’s not strawberry, kiddies.

Until tomorrow’s stomach turning nerd-fest. -GG

7 Coolest Lightsaber Knock-offs

Glitchy Goblin — Wed, 13 May 2009 21:33:39 +0000

The lightsaber. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster, and the target of nerdy affection the world over. It’s every nerd’s dream to whip out a cold metal hilt, flip a switch, a feel the warm glow of electric death at their fingertips, waiting to rend their enemies. This has been true since Star Wars premiered in 1977.

Because of this, they are a part of everyday science fiction, and perhaps someday, science fact.

That being said, here are my favorite 7 Lightsaber Knock-offs.

#7: Zero’s Z-Saber (Megaman X Series)

One ponytail, a new coat of paint, and a sweet weapon, and bam, PERFECT.

When I was younger, I loved going to my cousin’s house and playing Megaman X. However, it was not the blue bomber that had me captivated. Oh no, Rockman was not my forte. (Get it?) I wanted to play as the red clad, hippie-haired Zero, wielding his amazing blue Z-Saber.

Plus, later it became chargable. Can Skywalker charge up his weapon for a massive attack? …well, yeah, with the force, maybe… Zero is still amazing.

#6: Energy Sword (Halo)

Uh, sir, one blade just isn't doing the job, plus, Lucasarts will stab us to death unless we change it...

I hate Halo. It’s an abomination running over with twelve year olds screaming into mics, endless sniper ambushes, rocket and grenade spamming, and people boasting about how 1337 they are.

That being said, the designs are really nicely done, and sometimes, nothing is more fun than getting together with a group of friends, turning on super speed and capture the flag, and going at it with a bunch of Energy Swords. Plus, it has a laser blade protruding from the top and bottom of the hilt, and has very limited ammo in single player mode, to keep it from being entirely cheap.

#5: Saber Weapons (Phantasy Star Online)

Completely broken when not online. Easy mode for weaklings. For some reason, they get the coolest weapons though...

Ah, Phantasy Star Online. Now that’s what I call a video game. Although I play a RAmar (rifle expert) called Troa and a FOmar (mage) named Aether, both my best friend and my girlfriend play HUmars, the sword swinging behemoths of the Phantasy Star universe world. (Not to be confused with Phantasy Star UNIVERSE, as that game made me ponder what fun falling to my death would be.)

In addition to being able to wield one normal lightsaber-esque weapon, they can wild a huge broadsword version, a dual knife version, or go Darth Maul with a twin-bladed version, ala Episode 1. However, Rifles are still comparable in strength for a majority of the game, and magic still proves most deadly, meaning this is a game where the players who don’t want to ‘Use the force, Luke’ can tell old Ben Kenobi to stuff it.

#4: “Light Saber” (Ico)

The magnificent puzzle game known as Ico rocked the Playstation 2 to its core and still amazes fans to this day. This is impressive for many reasons, the most impressive being that the game could be beaten in one sitting in only a couple of hours.

However, if played through twice and fawned over, endlessly, one could be rewarded…

Holy crap. Find a waterfall, smack a tree, pick up a ball, solve the Da Vinci code, send an e-mail to Moses, find Shangrila and throw this into Emilia Earhart’s cargo bay and boom. God throws you a lightsaber the size of your house. It may only work when you hold Yorda’s hand (aww, cute), but who CARES! That thing is GIGANTIC!

Thanks to str00py for the vid.

#3: Beam Saber (Mobile Suit Gundam)

Char: Amuro, I am your Father! Amuro: That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE! Even my father didn't hit me!

Just two short years after Star Wars came out, another massively cool series began to air, one that changed the face of anime’. Mobile Suit Gundam was the story of a boy named Amuro who piloted a giant robot and nearly single-handedly ended an entire war.

What weapon is at his side throughout it all and remains a staple of Gundam weaponry to this very day? That would be the Beam Saber. It isn’t a lightsaber, not at all. Especially not with a hilt like this.

Pictured: NOT a lightsaber.

#2: Revolcane (Kamen Rinder BLACK RX)

Who needs the force? He's a Kamen Rider, for crying out loud!

Everyone loves Kamen Rider. Well, ok, not everyone, but they should. One of the most popular of the Showa Era riders is none other that Kamen Rider BLACK, and his sequel, BLACK RX.

You may not remember, but Black actually came to the states for a bit, as the short lived Saban series Masked Rider. He was all kinds of cool, and one of his later weapons just happened to look a tad familiar…

Thanks to Galan000 for the vid, skip to 5:30 to see the Revolcane in action.

Simply amazing. that shower of sparks makes my day every time.

#1: Tsubaki Mk-II (No More Heroes)

What’s better than a single bladed lightsaber? A dual-bladed one? No, how about four, like General Greivous? Nope, still not enough. I need this guy dead so bad, I think I’ll just tape FIVE LIGHTSABERS TOGETHER AND CALL IT GOOD.

Holy crap. Even the force can't handle all of this.

As the game’s protagonist, Travis Touchdown, goes on his quest to be the best assassin in all of Santa Destroy, he can acquire many ‘Beam Katanas,’ my favorite of which is the Mk-II. The Blood Berry and Tsubaki Mk-I before this were both single-bladed weapons, and the Mk-III is also single-bladed, but between all the one-bladed “normal” lightsabers, we find the wonderful, destructive Five-bladed beauty, the Mk-II.

Here it is at work. Thanks to ultimatechocobo86 for the vid.

If you disagree, comment! Tell me YOUR favorite, shameless lightaber rip-off!

Until next time. -GG