Ok guys, this week’s film is an Asian film called Noroi. It will blow your mind.

Spoilers are in green, as always.

Now, this movie is yet another in the lengthening line of ‘handycam’ movies, where the cameraman is a character and carries around a camera, enticing the viewer to accredit the movie with a certain amount of truth and empathize with the characters more now that the viewer is involved, not watching from beyond their screen. Another stance is the stance that Noroi and Paranormal Activity take, where the footage has long been shot and we are reviewing the ‘lost footage.’

There’s even a show in this vein on Animal Planet. The show is called ‘Lost Tapes,’ and every episode portrays a hypothetical attack by a cryptid, like the Jersey Devil or the Sasquatch. That show is only so-so, but this movie is NOT.

Noroi follows a Journalistic investigator who is following the tales of psychics and a mysterious curse. Eventually, he follows the happenings to a submerged, forgotten village, a strange cult-like town, odd possessions, the same cryptic symbols, and more dead bodies than any of them care to see.

The movie has a wonderful meandering pace which is frightening and realistic. The lore feels factual and the characters are deep, for what they are. The acting is superb, and while it wasn’t as scary as Paranormal Activity, it’s still a hauntingly unique movie worth of a re-watch very, very soon.

I’m not going to tell you any more. Just go see it. You’ll thank me.

Glitchy Golbin gives Noroi an 8/10.

With this post, I’m resuming my normal posting schedule, minus the Midweek Mashup. Good to be back after that break. -GG

Hello Goblinites, I want to play a game.

GG here, starting the week near the week’s end. Trust be, been one of those weeks. However, only a few of you are loyal fans, so I guess it’s okay. Kinda.

How about this. You tell your friends to read and comment. Spread the word! If I see ten new commenters in a week, I will force myself into a better posting schedule by any means necessary.

Onto movie Monday. This week, we take a look at the newest Saw installment, Saw VI.

Like I’ve said before, I love this series. However, each year I feel like I’m watching a guy juggle knives while break dancing: it’s quite the sight to see, and it’s been great so far, but I fear that any minute now he’s gunna EPIC FAIL and fall onto the knives and die, I’ll vomit and wish I’d never watched, because that fail was so immense.

However, he hasn’t landed on the knives yet. Spoilers in green.

Now, in this movie, Jigsaw has been replaced by Detective Hoffman, the man who was ‘hunting’ him in Saw III, killed the dad from that movie in Saw VI, and resumed Jigsaw’s work in Saw V.

As we all knew before, Hoffman isn’t a genius like Jigsaw. Even JIGSAW knew that (obviously) and planned for the inevitable in this movie. Many loose ends from 3, 4, and 5 are tied up, new loose ends are created, a story completes itself, people get murdered, we all go home happy.

That being said, Hoffman’s traps are a far cry from the original Jigsaw’s. Most of his traps in this movie cost several bystanders their lives, and couldn’t be completed without SOME people dying. The traps are brutal and aren’t quite effective, but are cool to see and terrible to experience, as well as always being spun to his personal advantage.

It’s like if a less murderous, more charismatic, less biased Bill O’Rielly started making Jigsaw’s traps. /zing

One trap involved a group of people on a merry-go-round getting blown away by a shotgun if their boss doesn’t drill his hands and save them, and he can only save two. Usually, the traps wouldn’t REQUIRE anyone to die, and would only put the player himself at risk.

That being said, it’s said in the movie that Hoffman modifies the traps, starting with the rack in Saw III. He also caused Amanda to go crazy and shoot the doctor in Saw III, which is why he was so quick to shoot the dad in Saw IV. He has no problem modifying the games for his own agenda, and even claims HE is the one in control now.

It’s really cool to watch, and see him suspected, investigated, and unmasked as Jigsaw, ala Death Note. It’s very cool to realize he isn’t half as smart as his predecessor and that his pride is his folly and eventually, his undoing.

See this movie. It’s great and is yet another reason to watch Saw. It’s my second favorite in the series, just after Saw III.

Glitchy Goblin gives Saw VI an 8 out of 10.

Here’s hoping this break dancer can keep juggling those knives next year. -GG

Alright, back after a wonderful weekend. How you all doing this week?

In case you haven’t noticed, Monday’s post is out in the wee hours of Monday, meaning I’m on track for once! Yay!

This week, we’re taking a look at Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Now, this movie is good, if you’re a Star Wars junkie, but only in the right context. That hurts its rating, just FYI. Spoilers in green.

Now, this movie takes place between episodes II and III, during the previously mentioned Clone Wars. As someone whose been hearing about the Clone Wars since I was a kid, through mysterious mentionings in episode IV and various non-cannon sources, I was really excited!

But what you needed to know, what I somehow missed when I saw it in theaters, was that this movie is the first three episodes of the phenomenal series which now airs on Cartoon Network.

That being said, the concept and plot are solid, the characters are cool, the fighting is nifty, and a few design oddities aside, is really quite good. Only a few things make me a tad dizzy…

Jabba has a son… so… where did he go? And an uncle. A super homosexual uncle who talks like a southern belle. I got no problem with gay hutts, but it WAS jarring. AND very interesting, besides.

Also, Anakin’s padawan lived… which I didn’t expect, but I love her in the series. Good stuff. Lastly, they mention bounty hunters… but sadly, no Boba… not yet, anyway.

That being said, I really liked this movie, and in my opinion, it was better and far more interesting than episodes 2 and 3. See it if you haven’t already.

Glitchy Goblin gives Star Wars: The Clone Wars a 7 out of 10.

And next, an A Team update. Stay tuned!

Now, for those of you who’ve missed it, Paranormal Activity is sweeping the nation.

Now, I know this movie has the crappiest movie poster of all time, but read on, all will be explained.

Now, most people will tell you this movie is one of the scariest films of all time. I am not one to disagree, but it only hits about 50% of the audience.

Why? The answer is simple.

One out of four (estimated) people hate the shaky handi-cam technique of movies like Blair Witch Project and the more successful Cloverfield.

Another one of the ten have very little imagination or empathy, and therefore won’t be able to connect with the couple’s situation and fear as they fear.

The last few have actually been scared worse in real life, will over analyze the special effects and only like popcorn flicks, are ‘actual paranormal investigators’ who claim to have seen worse, or people who refuse to have a good time so they can bash it on the internet later.

However, if you aren’t one of those people, and you don’t like this movie, I will literally lick my commode. You have to give actual reasons and CONVINCE me you aren’t trolling, but hey, no one is reading this anyway.

However, this movie earned its rating in one more way: the cost. I think there’s something to be said for scaring me on a small budget. The 2007 Halloween movie, directed by Rob Zombie, cost $20,000,000. Most people said it wasn’t even close to being scary.

Cloverfield cost more, at $25,000,000, and was a FAR better movie, IMO.

Blair Witch cost $60,000 and has turned into a huge joke.

How much did Paranormal Activity cost? $11,000.

Yup, you could have made this movie 5 times for the cost of Blair Witch, or TWO THOUSAND TIMES for the cost of Cloverfield, and in my opinion, it was simply amazing.

To top it off, it was filmed in a single week.

As a movie, on its own, Glitchy Goblin gives Paranormal Activity an 8 out of 10.

As an impressive use of minimal funding, Glitchy Goblin gives it a 10 out of 10.

Hey all, happy Monday.

Let’s get to it with this weeks Movie Monday, a piece of WW II propaganda that would make even the most valiant Nazi switch sides. Not really. But it’s awesome. Kind of.

Now, as always, let me remind you that spoilers are in green, if the poster didn’t  tell you enough already.

Now, the movie is about a group of friends who head to a cabin for a bit during the Easter holiday to relax, drink, fornicate with strangers, yknow, typical zombie brunch heathen behavior.

Now, they find some crazy gold, and Nazi zombies attack them and wreck them royally, complete with terrible 70’s graphics. It’s amazing.

Yeah, maybe we should let that soak on in… Nazi Zombies. Oh yeah. Marinate in that for a minute. I’ll wait.

…

…

See? Wasn’t that nice? Well, a bunch of them get royally ruined, others get machine gunned to death, and no body lives, and the graphics are sub par and wonderous.

Watch it if you’re a zombie person or don’t care about legitimate history.

Glitchy Goblin gives Dead Snow a 6 out of 10.

Also, don’t forget to vote in the Midweek Mashup!

Woohoo! Alright, Goblinites, I am back.

I apparently saved Friday’s post as a draft. Woops. It’s published now. That being said, on the block this week is Punisher: War Zone.

Spoilers in green, sirs and madams.

Punisher: War Zone sports writing far superior to the previous Punisher cinematic endeavor, and War Zone is MUCH less of a family film, with ridiculously graphic violence, swearing, and some of the finest high-end super-action ever.

In the first few minutes, Frank Castle wipes out a huge branch of a mafia family, breaking old people’s necks, decapitating, machine gunning, and generally being awesome.

He eventually shoves a man into a glass smashing machine, creating Jigsaw, his arch-nemesis, shotguns a helpless captive in the face, and hits a free runner in the face with an RPG.

The writing is superb, making Castle feel older, slower, and still stronger than anyone you’d want to tangle with. The feel is amazing, the plot is solid, simple, and a total blast.  See War Zone, if you haven’t already.

Glitchy Goblin gives Punisher: War Zone a 9/10

Late start, Goblinites, my bad. School and a sick girlfriend, plus shoddy internet threw me back a step.

That being said, call the fire department, because the flaming is about to commence in my review of The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.

This movie was terrible. If you want to avoid spoilers, quit here, but YOU AREN’T MISSING ANYTHING BECAUSE IT’S TERRIBLE.

Ok, just a little info… this movie takes place 10-20 years after Mummy Returns, and somehow Rick and Evelyn O’Connell haven’t aged any, even though their kid has gone to college. Now, of course, by ‘gone to college’ I mean ‘discovered the lost tomb of the first emperor of China.’

Now, that’s all fine, but the historical distortion is pretty awful in my opinion. But you know what? It’s my site, you CAME here for my opinion. Stuff it.

That temple wasn’t discovered by some half-brit, but by Chinese farmers, and the tomb DOESN’T look like they portrayed it. Also, no one is currently allowed inside, because they believe it to be booby trapped.

In the Emperor’s back story, the emperor sought immortality (true) united China (true) commisioned the Great Wall of China (true) and buried his enemies beneath it (also true), he then fell in love with a witch (untrue) who turned him to stone (untrue) because she loved his admiral (untrue) more than she loved the Emperor. She also decreed his army would be turned to stone, even though she did this to be with the GENERAL, a member of his army. (All untrue, btw.) Fortunately, the emperor kills the General, hopefully to prevent later plotholes or something.

So, supposedly having finished the wall ages ago, China then finishes uniting itself, elects the second emperor, and carries all the terracotta soldiers to the tomb out of respect for the insane madman who never even got to lead. (Do I have to say this is untrue?)

Jet Li then accidentally resurrects and seeks out Shangri-La, from Tibetan lore (uh…what?) fights some Yeti, loses a gem he needs to proceed and still makes it there, an avalanche goes un-triggered by multiple rocket launcher strikes, but happens thanks to a couple sticks of dynamite.

Now, Rick COULD have destroyed multiple things to stop the emperor, like a golden altar (having hours to do so before the guy shows up) a rope bridge (which would have given them enough time to SMELT the altar and reforge it, only to break it a second time.

Either way, they soon find a pool of immortality (also destroyable, but isn’t) and Shangri La, but they never GO to Shangri La, Jet Li turns into a dragon and flies to the border of China, they resurrect the people beneath the Great Wall (including the General, even though he died AFTER the wall was finished)  because for another reason, if the Emperor makes it past the Wall, he will be unstoppable, because he isn’t immortal, yet. But he is, because only one knife can kill him. And they have it, but they fight him with guns a lot instead of using that.

He can also turn into a demon bear thing. He does that twice, but not so much that they can’t stab him with two halves of the broken knife in some random temple thing they didn’t ever explain, from my knowledge, since he was SUPPOSED to be going to Shangri La, then accross the wall, and ended up off track.

In the end, father and son team up and manage to BOTH stab him in the heart with half the knife at the same time, killing him, even though he has magical mastery over metal… but just missed it there. Also, he uses magic like, five times, dragon once, demon twice… and it all feels terrible and made me want to die.

GG gives Tomb of the Dragon Emperor a 0 out of 10.

Ah, Zombieland. For the two of you don’t know, I love me some zombies.

That being said, when a friend of mine handed me free tickets to TWO preview showings, I nearly peed myself.

So last week, my lady friend and I journeyed to the nearby metropolis to enjoy the cinematic marvel of a brand new undead story.

Spoilers in green, my little goblinites.

Zombieland isn’t actually a traditional zombie movie. No, more than that, it’s a coming-of-age teen romance that happens to include zombies as a central theme.

The movie has many central themes, my favorite of which is ‘The Rules.’ The main man of the film, referred to as Columbus (nicknamed after the city, his hometown, as are all the other characters), has a simple set of rules that help him to survive. These range from ‘beware of bathrooms,’ to ‘cardio,’ to his newest rule, #32 (if memory serves) which is ‘enjoy the little things.’

Now, as a point of criticism, the newest advertisement run also sports rule #48, ‘hygiene.’ But Columbus only writes down one new rule, and it’s no were close to #48.

As another small point of amazing, Bill Murray is actually in the movie, and is simply amazing. They even get high and pretend they’re the Ghostbusters.

So, as you can see, I loved this movie. It’s straightforward and to the point, even if a tad anti-climactic. See it. Love it. Obey the rules and survive.

Glitchy Goblin gives Zombieland a 9 out of 10

Hey guys, Monday is upon us again! You know what that means…

Now, put simply, this movie is really really cool, but it was meant to be experienced in 3-D, and it feels a tad lacking if viewed otherwise.

That being said, it presents itself in a fresh, new style, using music you’d never hear in a movie now a days. The plot is interesting, the style is unique, and the message in wonderful. All in all, Coraline presents a suprisingly deep plot (and some dark themes and images) to audiences young and old alike.

See the movie. It’s an eerie-themed, oddly comforting movie coated in a kid’s movie candy coating and eventually winds up as a wonderous work of art that we can’t completely comprehend with our meager technology.

Glitchy Goblin gives Coraline an 8/10 for being wonderful and making me regret missing it in theaters.

Hey guys, I’m back. After a long and terribly trying weekend, I have returned to you.

Even if only three people are reading this.

In light of that fact, I’ve decided to keep things short and sweet from now on.

That in mind…

I love zombie movies. They’re wonderful and everyone should love them. If you are surprised that I typed either of those facts, turn off your computer and leap to your death, because you OBVIOUSLY don’t know who’s blog you’re reading.

That being said, this movie is a wonderful Spanish film shot in the first person*, and it was easily the finest zombie movie I’ve seen in the past three years. It was so good, it immediately inspired an American remake, called Quarantine, which was wonderful right up until the last scene. Spoilers in green.

In Quarantine, they find scientific equipment and a slowed down tape recorder, a couple news articles mentioning a vague cult, and are killed by an old woman that you never get to see, because instead of watching what might KILL THEM, the cameraman instead chooses to look at the GIRL THE ENTIRE TIME.

In REC, they find a maniacal half-scientist half-preacher facility, a lot of information about the first case thanks to a WORKING tape recorder, and are then killed by a terrifying half-woman abomination in the eyes of God that the cameraman can scarcely pull his eyes away from, in terror and wanting to make sure he knew where the thing was, for crying out loud.

If you only see one zombie movie before Zombieland comes out, see REC. You can skip Quarantine, if you want.

*Unlike Cloverfield, the cameraman is a PROFESSIONAL, so the camerawork won’t make you nauseous. Much less shoddy camera here.

Glitchy Goblin gives REC a 10/10 for originality and for actually scaring me.

GG gives Quarantine a 7/10 for knowing a good thing when they saw it, but missing the point and showing the ending in the trailer.