As you know, this week we have a very exciting challenge on our hands: a treasure hunting contest between the phenomenal Indiana Jones and the astounding Lara Croft! Who will grab the Golden Goblin and claim victory?!

Unfortunately, due to the Polldaddy brand FAILURE generator, I couldn’t access the poll from thursday morning till late last night, so I had no way of ever giving an edge to our battlers or even viewing their progress!

So, let’s just say the Deus Ex Machina brand Adventure Camera was disrupted by the Polldaddy Virus, and had to be repaired!

Now, let’s review the footage.

It seems that due to Lara Croft’s astounding wealth and help from her crew, she actually reached the East Entrance to the Temple of Three Paths before Indy reached his entrance, but she then got stuck at the temple gate!

The gate was a large stone door with an ancient inscription on it. Lara had to run it by various translators, as opposed to Indiana. When Indy arrived at the West Gate, he looked at the inscription and recited the passage of Goblin Lore…

“What is a man?” Indy pondered this, then raised his goblet and muttered, “A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk… have at you!” And with that, he chucked his goblet at the door, shattering it. The door then rumbled and raised, revealing the first path, deep into the temple.

Lara stood there for an hour, shouting, “A pig! A liar! Less awesome than I am, that’s what!!!” Until finally, that nerdy dude from the movies was all like “A miserable little pile of secrets, lol,” and the door raised.

Once inside, the two adventurers found themselves at the mercy of hegu pits of spikes, ferocious animals and spirits, and puzzles that would rattle your feeble little mind.

In one room, the two treasure hunters had to align pillars of light into a spinning crystal surrounded by razor-sharp pendulums, in another, they had to outrun collapsing walls that were the only thing standing between them and another terrible sequel! Then, the ultimate challenge… torture.

As they entered one of the last rooms, there was an ancient game… one where you pit soldiers against soldiers on a chess style board… and they had to play against a twelve year old kid on Xbox live.  Lara, who had been dealing with this kind of person for more than a decade, strolled easily through the task. Indiana nearly went insane, but then realized he was less annoying and pretentious than Shia Labeouf and shot the kid, whistled, and went on his way.

Lara rushed into the chamber at the center of the temple, a large, sun-filled room with a huge podium at the middle, atop it, the golden idol. She smirked, having gotten there first, and noted that the exit was the third path of the temple, leading North, to the exit. She approached the podium, victorious, and claimed her prize… and upon inspection, simply found it to be one of Harrison Ford’s thousands of awards.

The award had been placed there by Indiana about an hour prior, and it had been a perfect counterweight for the Golden Goblin statue he now held.  He had exited the temple’s North Path with ease. After all, his carrer and popularity had survived Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! What could POSSIBLY harm Indy after THAT?

Meanwhile, the doors at the temple’s central chamber had closed with a THUD, leaving Lara stranded as the sand and snakes poured in from the ceiling, completely blocking out the sun.

Pictured: Glitchy Goblin's Champion of the Week!

That’s right, ladies and gents. With an overwhelming 3 to 1 advantage in the votes, Indiana Jones is this week’s Champion of the Week!

Until next time, Goblinites, watch out for Shia LaFAIL. -GG

Glitchy Goblin’s Midweek Mashup!

Last week, we saw Megaman, the Blue Bomber, get slammed into submission by that part Human, part Chozo, all action super-star, Samus Aran!

This week, we have a brand new challenge.

Pictured: Their kid could even find the long lost remains of Shia Labeouf's acting skills.

The premise is very simple, ladies and gentlemen. First, let’s go over the equipment.

Indiana Jones (Post Last Crusade)

Around 40 years old, has a doctorate in history and knows more about ancient civilizations than the people who lived there.

Armed with his trusty pistol and whip, leather jacket body armor and a striking fedora.

Weaknesses include a weakness to snakes. Jones also hesitates to hit a lady, but will if necessary. Also tends to be too trusting and lacking in people skills.

Strengths include incredible willpower and endurance. Deities sometimes favor him. He also has a college education and doesn’t hesitate to kill. Survived both world wars and shook Hitler’s hand.

Lara Croft

Around 28 years old. Her birthday was originally in 1968, but it has since been said that she lives on a shifting timeline, keeping her around her late 20′s. Knows only what she hears and knows from private research. Lacks even a highschool education.

Armed with twin pistols (That need to reload! No infinite Ammo, either! She and Indy have the same amount of bullets.) and whatever she finds on the ground. No professional training. No melee abilities.

Weaknesses include lack of physical combat, less health and endurance than Jones, hated by many deities. Slightly less hesitant to kill. (In anniversary she records her first human kill, which haunts her throughout the game.)

Strengths include incredible stamina  and acrobatics skill, and is reliable with a wide array of weapons. Fought dinosaurs.

Equal Ground

Both are knowledgeable about history. Indy studied under his father, on his own as a child and teen during WWI, then professionally and in college. Lara, on the other hand, has been adventuring her entire life and knows nothing else.

Likewise, they’ve both faced unbelievable foes. Indy dealt with the Ark of the Covenant, fought an entire Cult, Nazis over and over again, rival archeologists, and entire cultures. Lara fought Dinosaurs once, wolves, hit men, bears, and so forth.

Setting: The Temple of Three Paths

Thanks to our old pall, the Deus Ex Machina brand Random Temple Generator, our competitors find themselves 1002 miles apart, each 500 miles from their entrance of the Temple of Three Paths. They were both just informed by the Deus Ex Machina brand Informant for Hire that there’s a priceless Golden Goblin located within the temple, but no one knows where it is or what dangers the temple holds.

Now, your challenge, my little minions, tell me who would get to their entrance of the temple first, and who you think will win this little competition! Vote now and check back tomorrow for our update!

As always, you can gain bonus votes by explaining your decision in detail in the comments section!

Until tomorrow, treasure hunters -GG