G l i t c h y G o b l i n ! » Fangirl on the Loose

LATE Fangirl on the Loose: Goblin’s Fail Edition!

Glitchy Goblin — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 06:02:34 +0000

Okay ya’ll, been a BUSY week for me, my bad. Here’s a slightly delayed Hayley, with Fangirl on the Loose.

If you love her rants like I do, frequent her website! CLICK HERE!

You know when I said that Boba playing Legend of Zelda music on an accordion would be the biggest nerdgasm you would ever have? Yea, well, looks like I was wrong. JimmyJane, a company that creates sex toys, has created a clit vibe called the Form 2 that looks curiously like the Millennium Falcon. They claim that this wasn’t actually their intention, but they’re running with it and have even created a comparison chart of the two:

I have a very bad feeling about this. We nerds are an addictive people. We’re complete-ists who will spend hundreds of dollars on toys and collectibles just to say that we have more than somebody else. Shit, some of us will even buy the same action figure over and over again just because the packaging has changed. Who’s to say that we nerds won’t go overboard when it comes to infusing our sex lives with nerdery? I’m afraid it could spiral out of control like with the Twilighters. They started out as harmless tweens with a vampire fetish, and then BOOM! They’ve got the Vamp dildos, which snowballed into the manllows, and who knows what kind of weird shit will be out by the time the Breaking Dawn movie is released. Are vampire teeth nipple clamps next?

For us, it could start with the Form 2/ Falcon vibe. Then pretty soon, we’re sticking a vacuum cleaner hose through the mouth hole of our Greedo Halloween masks so we can pretend we’re getting ours necks suckled (or other areas) by a dirty alien mercenary while we wedge Hasbro lightsabers up our asses, clamp our stormtrooper and ewok Pez dispensers onto our nipples, and finally choke ourselves with a video game controller chord while we snort coke off a cardboard standee.

I’m just saying that it can only get weirder from here. So… are you gonna buy one?

Fangirl on the Loose: How to Talk to Fangirls

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:43:47 +0000

Talking to Fangirls:

Being a fangirl in a fanboy’s world, I have experienced a lot of, well, unfortunate and embarrassing displays of “admiration.” I get it. I’m a rarity. Not a lot of chicks walk into the comic book store or make obscure references to Batman villains at work. But some fanboys act like they have never, ever been in contact with a woman before, and this concerns me because they make some of the dumbest fucking assumptions about me, and what I may know and care about.

I’m gonna help you guys out. Here is how not to talk to a fangirl, so you won’t verbally faceplant like these guys did.

Rule #1: Don’t assume that because you have the penis, that you are a bigger fan than me.

This is the quickest way to piss me the fuck off. It’s openly sexist. You are trying to impress me with news that happened months ago, because I, a girl, obviously would not be keeping up with the comings and goings of my own obsession. What the fuck? I get that if you had just met someone, you might throw out a few facts to see how they react, to see if they are as up to speed as you, but don’t insult their intelligence.

The biggest incident concerning this happened just a few months ago. My comic book store in Knoxville was closing (Triad Comics, R.I.P.), and this dude was trying to impress me with his Star Wars knowledge. Death Troopers had come out the day before, and he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I had heard of it. Yea, fucker, I had, like way fucking back in February 2009, when it had been announced. It was a fucking Star Wars novel combining zombies with Han and Chewie on a prison barge, how could I let that kind of holy geekery slip past me! It was all any nerd could talk about that week! I would have had to have been deaf and blind not to have at least heard of it, and there I was, holding my stack of Star Wars comics and a Tag & Bink trade paperback, and he still assumed I was a casual fan! So fuck you! Fuck you for assuming I didn’t know my shit, and for still going on and on about it even after I told you, “Yes, I know what it is,” and even explaining that I hadn’t bought it yet because I didn’t have the money for a hardback! You still had to go on like I didn’t know what it was about, like I was just yes-ing you or buying it just because it said “Star Wars” on the cover! FUCK YOU!!!

Rule #2: Don’t try to be a pimp. We’re too smart for that.

Before Triad opened, I had to go to this creepy comic book store called, we’ll say, “Collector’s Hell”. At the time, the owner, who we will call “Silent Bob,” had this guy working there who was kind of like “Jay” because he thought he was a smooth pimp, who loved the pussy, and Tubby there, was his fat man servant. For those of you who don’t get the reference, that was a line from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Anyway, “Jay” was the kind of nerd who thought he was a fucking pimp, and he loved it when my nerdy, underage self would come in. He was pathetic, and would try to impress me with stuff even a sheltered, 16-year-old knew was bullshit. I always wondered if he would ever realize how gross and sad he was, a thirty-something year old man, hitting on a teenager, always asking me when I was going to turn eighteen. Then years later, after “Jay” had left the store, I asked “Silent Bob” if he needed any help in the summer, since I felt relatively safe around a man who only ever said “Hello,” and “Here’s your change.” He said “Yea, I can think of a few positions that you would be good at,” in a tone that told me he wasn’t talking about filing the back issues or organizing the posters. I never went back. Epic fail, guys.

What is it that Jay’s shoulder angel said in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he was gonna pull his dick out to impress Justice? Oh, yea. “That’s it, boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit’s gonna work for this one.”

Exactly.

Rule #3: Don’t tell me you’ve met celebrities known for never doing the convention circuit. I know you are full of shit.

“Jay” once told me he met Harrison Ford at a Star Wars convention in Nashville. Bitch, please. Do I even have to explain to any of you how far-fetched that is? Probably not.

About six months ago, one of my fangirl friends and I went into Triad, and I suppose we left ourselves open to conversation because we bust in there ranting about how there’s hyperspace travel, air speeders, and other complex technologies in the Star Wars prequels, but evidently no effective birth control. There was no doubt that we were Star Wars fangirls. So this 50-year-old man starts macking on us, telling us about his $10,000 Star Wars collection and how he met Ewan McGregor at Celebration II. Obviously he didn’t know who he was messing with. 1) I was at that convention. The closest Ewan McGregor got to it was a video he and George were in that played during the opening ceremony where they thanked everyone for coming. They were a safe distance of 2,000 miles away. 2) If Ewan had been at CII, I would have sensed it through the Force. My vagina would have started to emit a sonar-like pulse and immediately started honing in on his location. Once his position was confirmed, my pussy would have sent his coordinates to the GPS trackers in my nipples, which would have locked onto his location. I like to imagine my nipples emitting a “Boop, boop, boop” noise during all of this. God help the volunteer 501^st trooper who would have stood in the way of my horny, 16-year-old self. 3) Ewan McGregor has never been to any convention, you fucking asshole.

Rule #4: Just be yourself.

Don’t put on airs to talk to us. We won’t do it for you. You’re much more attractive when we’re not having to wade through a sea of bullshit to find about if you are worth our time or not.

Whew. That wore me out. Let me know what you think at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com or on my blog. MTFBWY.

Fangirl on the Loose: Haters

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:21:03 +0000

Give her room, guys. This week, The Fangirl’s back, gloves on, and she’s got some jaws to break. As always, her cacophony of, uh, ‘colorful’ insight is presented unedited and definitely NSFW.

I’m taking a request from the Goblin this week. He asked that I rant about fangirl stereotypes, but honestly, I’ve been having a hard time narrowing “the fangirl” into a stereotype. I feel “the fangirl” is still in the process of being defined, because we have come to the forefront as a people during a time when fandom is so varied. Star Wars, Twilight, Star Trek, Batman, and several different kinds of anime all popular right now, and they are all going to attract very different types of women. We also finally have strong nerd-girl role models in the spotlight, like Tina Fey, Olivia Munn, and Kristen Bell, standing right up there and holding their own with the fanboys. So since I couldn’t stuff us into one box, I decided to see what other people were saying about fangirls.

Almost immediately, I came across this pouty, uninformed column, entitled “Girly Stereotypes: The Fangirl” by a Ms. Bridget Orr on the blog, DollyMix. I can only assume the comments section for the story are closed because of the slew of fangirls reporting in to tell her to go fuck herself and suggesting the Twilight –themed “Vamp” dildo to do it with. Ms. Orr is under the impression that being a fangirl means that you only like a movie or series because you cream your panties when your favorite guy star walks on screen. Frankly, she thinks all of you posers should be ashamed of yourselves for only liking something on such superficial terms, because it makes her and the rest of the “normal” female fans look bad. I’m gonna let you people read this for yourselves before I verbally kick this self-hating fangirl in the twat:

From the mouth of Ms. Orr and DollyMix: “The main differences between normal fans and squeeing fangirls are ambiguous to say the least. If it helps, the easiest way to distinguish between normal fans and squeeing fangirls is being a fan (FOTL: Being a fan? You mother fucker.). They are presumably much younger than normal fans (FOTL: Huh?). They are presumably girlier than normal fans. They’re not as obsessive as normal fans (FOTL: Where the FUCK is this coming from?). They like bands, films or television series for more superficial reasons than normal fans. Putting it this way, they are not normal fans like you and me.”

I don’t know where she is getting this from. She doesn’t cite anything except Urban Dictionary.com, The Oxford English Dictionary, and her own experiences of being teased for being a fan and a girl, which tells me it’s not fangirls that are the problem, it’s her douche-y fucking friends. I can only assume the younger and girlier assumptions are coming from the images of screaming teenage girls at the Twilight premieres. Not as obsessive though? Now you are just pissing me off. Why don’t you actually hang out with some fangirls? You might actually like us, and realize that we are not all terminally horny, manllow-humping, 8^th-graders.

That being said, I gotta stand up for the Twilight chicks right now. People may think that women go to see Twilight because of the pretty boys in it, and I’m sure a lot of girls do, but not all of them. The Twilight fangirls that I know personally, know every-fucking-thing about those books and are just as freaked out by the manllows as everybody else. The dudes may have been a segway into fandom for them, but it is not why they stayed. They stayed because they loved the series, just like the rest of us love Star Wars, Star Trek, Bleach, whatever. They fucking know their shit, and they earned their fangirl title, and I respect their obsession, despite the manllows.

Also, I feel I need to address my former Obi-Wan obsession. I admit, Ewan McGregor’s Obi-Wan lured me into Star Wars, but it was seeing the Trilogy that hooked me. There is so much to love in Star Wars. It’s a vast galaxy. There is Yoda, the Skywalkers, Boba Fett, Darth-Fucking-Vader. If you are in it just for one character, I’m sorry, you are not a fangirl. I wouldn’t even call you a fan. Certainly a fan of that actor, but not a fan of a series.

I’m sorry, Ms. Orr, but if you are so fucking knowledgeable about your obsession of choice, you are a fangirl. Believe me, I hate calling you that too, because I don’t want to share the title with someone who is too scared of being socially ostracized to take it for herself. I find your narrow-minded definition and lack of research insulting.

Take it from a fangirl who knows. You’re one of us. You just need the courage to own it.

Fangirl On The Loose! Manllows

Glitchy Goblin — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 03:31:33 +0000

Ok, due to rave reviews and my promise to those that love the segment, FOTL will again be presented unedited and NSFW. That warning aside, here’s the most graphic FOTL I’ve ever read, and if I know my audience, it’s right up you alley.

I Can’t Un-See This: The Twilight Manllows

This concerns me not just as a girl, but as a nerd. First of all, this thing is homemade. Some chick was so obsessed with snuggling up to/humping in the dark with the Twilight dudes that she fucking made it happen. That takes passion and skill, people, and a whole lot of fucking crazy. I never made myself a stuffed Franken-Kenobi, and it wasn’t just because I am a perfectionist and would never be satisfied with a nightmare-inducing, lumpy-looking, man-pillow hybrid. It was because I know that when you start making real-life substitutes for your favorite fictional characters, maybe you need to back off your geek obsession a little. No one wants to be that nerd, the nerd who no one else wants to be. You know, like the ones that write Robocop/Pokémon porn and makes Edward and Jacob manllows. She’s just one lonely night away from slapping one of those sparkly, Twilight-inspired “Vamp” dildos on her manllow, and then she’s basically got one of those RealDoll sex-bots that lonely, pathetic male nerds have been shelling out thousands of dollars for recently.

Secondly, yes, there is a Twilight-inspired dildo. You read that right. Check the link, read the comments, they’re very funny. The product description encourages the user to put it in the freezer to give it that authentic, vampire feel. What are you gonna tell the ER doctors when he’s asking you how you got frostbite on your snatch? “I just wanted to know what it was like to fuck a sexy, bloodthirsty corpse. Don’t judge me.”

And yes, the dildo sparkles.

I really don’t know what else to say. As a woman, I can’t relate to this chick at all. I guess I should say these chicks, because the manllows are sold out. As a geek, I’m simply scared, because this is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen. This was a line I never wanted to cross in my late-night nerd fantasies, and the Twilight fans have done it twice now.

So, Twilight-ers, please give us some feedback. Make me understand this, because now every time I see a teenage girl reading a worn-out copy of Breaking Dawn, I’m gonna start to hyperventilate and look for the nearest exit. I think a manllow is just one step away from murdering Robert Pattison and dancing around in his skin to “Goodbye Horses.”

Fangirl on the Loose! Nerd Rage: Damsels in Distress on The Clone Wars

Glitchy Goblin — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 06:14:11 +0000

Sup Gobbies? Goblin here, introducing Fangirl on the Loose, number two. It’s a doozy, too, so buckle up. As always, it’s unedited and NSFW. Enjoy!

I don’t know if you guys have been following The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network, but last week’s episode kinda hit me in my little black fangirl heart. Last week, our good Master Kenobi said that he would have left the Order for Duchess Satine of Mandalore, if she had just asked him to all those unspecified years ago. What the fuck? I would have lost some Republic credits on that bet.

I spent years trying to figure out how to reasonably maneuver my fanfiction character into Obi-Wan’s Jedi knickers, when evidently all I had to do was make my character hide behind a few rocks. To think I wasted so much paper on sassy dialogue, trying to become an equal in combat, and drunken seductions, when all I had to do was quit trying so hard and create a classic damsel in distress, rescue-my-girly-ass, kinda situation.

Sure, Satine has her merits. I like that she’s smart, funny, and a master of biting sarcasm. A lot of other fangirls like her, too. But because of her pacifist beliefs, she’s made herself a willing (willing, damn it!) damsel in distress, and I just can’t fucking left that go.

Two weeks ago, when I watched the first episode in this story arc, “The Mandalore Plot,” something just bothered me about it. I just couldn’t figure it out. Something was out of place. That’s when it hit me. She was the first chick in the entire series to ever hide behind a mother-fucking rock while her boyfriend played hero and rescued them both.

What the fuck? I didn’t even know damsels in distress existed in Star Wars. Sure, Padme and Leia have both been in situations where they needed a little help from their friends (I’m thinking particularly of Leia in the Death Star’s holding cell), but as soon as they could get their hands on a blaster, they were going to defend themselves against more than just droids if they had too.

Also, The Clone Wars writers basically refitted the Anakin-Padme romance to an Obi-Wan storyline. Are Jedi only in to royal pussy? Does blue-collar pussy not taste as sweet? Does it taste like unpaid bills, a 12-pack of ramen noodle, and despair? Why couldn’t Filoni and the team have reached a little further in coming up with a new female character? We have so few of them guys, I’m just asking you to go outside of the box a little.

So far I’ve really enjoyed The Clone Wars. As you guys can probably tell, I’m a girl who loves explosions and ass-kicking, and they have definitely delivered on that this season. But I can’t sit and watch these episodes and not notice this anymore, this I-love-you-because-you-let-me-be-the-man-and-protect-you-while-you-cowered-with-fear thing. I thought we were past that people. And she’s from Mandalore! She was supposed to be the duchess of ass-kicking! She was supposed to bring Hell to your fucking door if you were foolish enough to challenge her! That was a real mind-fuck, guys. Totally surprised me with the Mandalorians being pacifists thing.

Sigh. I’m going to go listen to “Fett’s Vette” and fume. As always, for questions, comments, or rants, leave a comment or e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com.