G l i t c h y G o b l i n !

You know when I said that Boba playing Legend of Zelda music on an accordion would be the biggest nerdgasm you would ever have? Yea, well, looks like I was wrong. JimmyJane, a company that creates sex toys, has created a clit vibe called the Form 2 that looks curiously like the Millennium Falcon. They claim that this wasn’t actually their intention, but they’re running with it and have even created a comparison chart of the two:

I have a very bad feeling about this. We nerds are an addictive people. We’re complete-ists who will spend hundreds of dollars on toys and collectibles just to say that we have more than somebody else. Shit, some of us will even buy the same action figure over and over again just because the packaging has changed. Who’s to say that we nerds won’t go overboard when it comes to infusing our sex lives with nerdery? I’m afraid it could spiral out of control like with the Twilighters. They started out as harmless tweens with a vampire fetish, and then BOOM! They’ve got the Vamp dildos, which snowballed into the manllows, and who knows what kind of weird shit will be out by the time the Breaking Dawn movie is released. Are vampire teeth nipple clamps next?

For us, it could start with the Form 2/ Falcon vibe. Then pretty soon, we’re sticking a vacuum cleaner hose through the mouth hole of our Greedo Halloween masks so we can pretend we’re getting ours necks suckled (or other areas) by a dirty alien mercenary while we wedge Hasbro lightsabers up our asses, clamp our stormtrooper and ewok Pez dispensers onto our nipples, and finally choke ourselves with a video game controller chord while we snort coke off a cardboard standee.

I’m just saying that it can only get weirder from here. So… are you gonna buy one?

For the first time, this week’s review is of more than one game!  God of War Collection is Sony’s way of getting everyone hyped for today’s (March 16, 2010) release of God of War III.  I’ll have that review completed next week.  God of War Collection is a port of the first two games of the series, originally only on the PS2.  Now they have been re-mastered in High Definition to base all three games on one system.

PROS:

Hopefully this is a trend. Having the first two games on a current system is something that hopefully Sony and other companies start doing more often.  I fully expect Sony to reveal at E3 2010 that a Team ICO Collection of ICO and Shadow of the Colossus will be released shortly before the third game, The Last Guardian.  The convenience of not having to dust off your PS2 is awesome, and that’s all most people have, as most PS3s do not have backwards compatibility.

It has some visual upgrades. It wasn’t recoded to be in true HD, but the scaling does improve both games quite a bit, more so in the second one than the first.  The frame-rate is now at a perfect 60fps (frames per second), and there is none of the screen tearing that was pretty noticeable in both games on the PS2.  The frame-rate actually does make a noticeable difference in the fluidity of the combat.

It’s worth the money. If you love the God of War series, then to have both 1 and 2 re-mastered in HD on a current platform is definitely worth the budget price of $40.  Both games are about 10 hours the first times through, and there are hours of documentary videos for both games.

There are two sets of trophies, a set for each game.  I’m not a trophy whore (achievements ftw), but most of them on both are easy to collect.  This is double the fun for a gamer, especially if the player hasn’t played either game before.

If you are new to these and happen to love them, then you’ll get a lot of re-playability out of these games.  I’ve personally played God of War 6 times and God of War II 4 times now, with a count added to each because of Collection.  It’s only just now starting to get old to me.

CONS:

No Chains of Olympus. If would’ve taken a lot of work to put the PSP’s God of War:  Chains of Olympus onto the PS3, but it would’ve been the cherry on the God of War Collection sundae.

No extra content. There are a lot of documentary videos, but they’re what came with the games originally.

Cutscenes and documentaries are not in HD. In-game cutscenes look pretty muddy, and the documentaries are less than DVD quality or less.  The Collection is meant to be played on a large HDTV, and these videos don’t stand the test of time.

And speaking of standing the test of time: even with its slight upgrade to HD, the first game doesn’t look near as good as it did when you first played it on the PS2. Or if you’re playing it for the first time, it’ll look pretty old.

Widescreen stretches the HUD. For those that know me, one of my worst pet peeves is incorrect aspect ratios.  It bothers me to no end.  The sides of the gameplay’s view are just extended to show more on the screen at once, but the HUD (heads-up display) is instead stretched wider.  All circular things are now ovals, and so on.  It personally gets to me.

There you have it.  If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get this and God of War III, play them all through in one continuous sitting, and then die happy while shouting, “Ares!”

Talking to Fangirls:

Being a fangirl in a fanboy’s world, I have experienced a lot of, well, unfortunate and embarrassing displays of “admiration.” I get it. I’m a rarity. Not a lot of chicks walk into the comic book store or make obscure references to Batman villains at work. But some fanboys act like they have never, ever been in contact with a woman before, and this concerns me because they make some of the dumbest fucking assumptions about me, and what I may know and care about.

I’m gonna help you guys out. Here is how not to talk to a fangirl, so you won’t verbally faceplant like these guys did.

Rule #1: Don’t assume that because you have the penis, that you are a bigger fan than me.

This is the quickest way to piss me the fuck off. It’s openly sexist. You are trying to impress me with news that happened months ago, because I, a girl, obviously would not be keeping up with the comings and goings of my own obsession. What the fuck? I get that if you had just met someone, you might throw out a few facts to see how they react, to see if they are as up to speed as you, but don’t insult their intelligence.

The biggest incident concerning this happened just a few months ago. My comic book store in Knoxville was closing (Triad Comics, R.I.P.), and this dude was trying to impress me with his Star Wars knowledge. Death Troopers had come out the day before, and he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I had heard of it. Yea, fucker, I had, like way fucking back in February 2009, when it had been announced. It was a fucking Star Wars novel combining zombies with Han and Chewie on a prison barge, how could I let that kind of holy geekery slip past me! It was all any nerd could talk about that week! I would have had to have been deaf and blind not to have at least heard of it, and there I was, holding my stack of Star Wars comics and a Tag & Bink trade paperback, and he still assumed I was a casual fan! So fuck you! Fuck you for assuming I didn’t know my shit, and for still going on and on about it even after I told you, “Yes, I know what it is,” and even explaining that I hadn’t bought it yet because I didn’t have the money for a hardback! You still had to go on like I didn’t know what it was about, like I was just yes-ing you or buying it just because it said “Star Wars” on the cover! FUCK YOU!!!

Rule #2: Don’t try to be a pimp. We’re too smart for that.

Before Triad opened, I had to go to this creepy comic book store called, we’ll say, “Collector’s Hell”. At the time, the owner, who we will call “Silent Bob,” had this guy working there who was kind of like “Jay” because he thought he was a smooth pimp, who loved the pussy, and Tubby there, was his fat man servant. For those of you who don’t get the reference, that was a line from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Anyway, “Jay” was the kind of nerd who thought he was a fucking pimp, and he loved it when my nerdy, underage self would come in. He was pathetic, and would try to impress me with stuff even a sheltered, 16-year-old knew was bullshit. I always wondered if he would ever realize how gross and sad he was, a thirty-something year old man, hitting on a teenager, always asking me when I was going to turn eighteen. Then years later, after “Jay” had left the store, I asked “Silent Bob” if he needed any help in the summer, since I felt relatively safe around a man who only ever said “Hello,” and “Here’s your change.” He said “Yea, I can think of a few positions that you would be good at,” in a tone that told me he wasn’t talking about filing the back issues or organizing the posters. I never went back. Epic fail, guys.

What is it that Jay’s shoulder angel said in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he was gonna pull his dick out to impress Justice? Oh, yea. “That’s it, boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit’s gonna work for this one.”

Exactly.

Rule #3: Don’t tell me you’ve met celebrities known for never doing the convention circuit. I know you are full of shit.

“Jay” once told me he met Harrison Ford at a Star Wars convention in Nashville. Bitch, please. Do I even have to explain to any of you how far-fetched that is? Probably not.

About six months ago, one of my fangirl friends and I went into Triad, and I suppose we left ourselves open to conversation because we bust in there ranting about how there’s hyperspace travel, air speeders, and other complex technologies in the Star Wars prequels, but evidently no effective birth control. There was no doubt that we were Star Wars fangirls. So this 50-year-old man starts macking on us, telling us about his $10,000 Star Wars collection and how he met Ewan McGregor at Celebration II. Obviously he didn’t know who he was messing with. 1) I was at that convention. The closest Ewan McGregor got to it was a video he and George were in that played during the opening ceremony where they thanked everyone for coming. They were a safe distance of 2,000 miles away. 2) If Ewan had been at CII, I would have sensed it through the Force. My vagina would have started to emit a sonar-like pulse and immediately started honing in on his location. Once his position was confirmed, my pussy would have sent his coordinates to the GPS trackers in my nipples, which would have locked onto his location. I like to imagine my nipples emitting a “Boop, boop, boop” noise during all of this. God help the volunteer 501^st trooper who would have stood in the way of my horny, 16-year-old self. 3) Ewan McGregor has never been to any convention, you fucking asshole.

Rule #4: Just be yourself.

Don’t put on airs to talk to us. We won’t do it for you. You’re much more attractive when we’re not having to wade through a sea of bullshit to find about if you are worth our time or not.

Whew. That wore me out. Let me know what you think at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com or on my blog. MTFBWY.

Yo! I’m back this week to brave the ocean city of Rapture again in Bioshock 2.  As with the first game, the sequel is a FPS that plays more like an adventure game than anything else.  The premise is that a man named Andrew Ryan, tired of governments and social norms, built Rapture to create a society where anyone can do what they want.  Gene splicing was heavily researched and all citizens wanted to look and feel better by using Plasmids (magic like lightning, fire, etc.) and gene tonics, which actually alter your genes to make you different.  Anyone who hasn’t played the first one should… now.  Glitchy Goblin himself is actually playing it beside me while I watch it.

PROS:

It’s good to be back. Even though the sequel is made by a different studio, an aspect that had everyone wary about the idea, they managed to capture the feeling of the unique underwater environments of the first game.  There are actual in-the-water underwater sections added to the mix, and with this it allows you to explore sections of Rapture that were out of reach the first time around.  Also, I recommend playing Bioshock 2 as it was meant to be played:  on the hardest difficulty setting.  It isn’t overly difficult, even though you’ll feel underpowered at the beginning, Vita-chambers respawn you infinitely if you die, and you’ll appreciate the strategy it takes a whole lot more.  Believe me.

The maturity is back. The mature story, ripe with controversial topics and vulgarity, makes a return as well.  Some citizens are sadistic (as told through their audio diaries), and some sections still have that horror-esque “you’re not safe here” ambience to them.  You once walk into a room with 3 baby cribs and about 15 televisions hovering above the cribs as play subliminal messages on them.

As with every other sequel I’ve reviewed, there are many improvements.  There are more weapons, plasmids, and enemy types.  Each plasmid now actually “evolves” when you upgrade it.  Like you can start out with Lightning, but eventually you’ll have a Lightning Storm.  This is greatly improved, since in the first game they only got stronger or had a longer duration as you upgraded them.  The new hacking minigame is also much shorter and therefore less annoying.

There is an ending. Bioshock had one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen.  It was basically a screenshot that depended on whether you were good or bad during the game, and it took it to an extreme.  Apparently, if you kill little girls than you would eventually like to rule the entire world through its destruction.  Plus, immediately before that, there was a sucky final boss.  This has none of these, and it makes sense.

It has a pretty entertaining multiplayer. For a sense of the multiplayer, go read my Modern Warfare 2 review.  They basically copied it, except it doesn’t take near as long to complete.  The more XP you get, the more stuff you unlock, and it also has challenges to complete.  Excuse me, I meant “trials”.  It doesn’t feel tacked on, and they try to give it a story.  It makes it a kind of prequel to everything.  The gameplay does not feel like Modern Warfare 2 at all, though.  It feels like Team Fortress 2.

CONS:

There are occasional glitches. Sometimes my hacked security bots would get stuck in midair or something similar.  These are frequent happenings, just minor annoyances.

Sometimes you don’t feel like you’re playing a Big Daddy. This is mostly toward the underpowered beginning, but when Splicers can hit me with a wrench and take out a quarter of my health… I just don’t remember ever being able to melee a Big Daddy four times and kill it, you know?

Your drill has fuel. As a Big Daddy, you have a drill arm.  I don’t ever see other Big Daddies have to refuel, so why should I?

OK, so right now Goblin is trying to tick me off by meleeing everything while spouting puns and making Chewbacca noises.  Back to the review.

It’s shorter than the first game. Bioshock 1 was pretty lengthy for an FPS. This one is not quite as long, but it’s close to the same length.  I actually spent more time playing this one because I explored more and was more careful.

It still has open areas, but it’s more linear in a way. Unlike the first game, once you leave an area you cannot revisit it.  They do warn you of this, however, so don’t worry that it suddenly takes you to another place against your will.  The areas themselves still feel open ended like in the first game.

Well, Goblin has many more cons, but who listens to that guy?  I’ve been Vegieza, and remember:  every word I speak, you already know.

Bah. I listen to me, and I’m all that matters. That being said, Bioshock is awesome, and a big thank you to Vegieza both for letting me play the game and for the sweet review. Sorry it’s late, yall.

It’s Vegieza, back once more to bring you a review from what I believe Assassin’s Creed II knocked off its Game of 2009 pedestal:  Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare 2.  It’s the sequel to the 4^th game, but the game before this one was Call of Duty:  World at War.  But World at War is not Call of Duty 5.  And Modern Warfare 2 is not 5 or 6.  And you’re just supposed to call it Modern Warfare 2.  And they dropped the “4” from “Call of Duty 4”.  Confused yet?

Before I get to the Pros and Cons, I have to say that I had quite a hard time coming up with cons for this game.  The basics are that if you’re a fan of First Person Shooters, this is a must buy as it is one of the most exhilarating, depthful FPSs ever conceived.  If you’re looking for an action game, at least borrow this from someone.  If you don’t like FPSs at all, then you probably should find something else.

Pros:

It’s Action-Packed. Rarely will you see so many different action sequences rolled up into one campaign as with this.  It’s like they had a list of cool things they thought up and then squeezed them all in.  Basically, it’s an entire season of 24 in one game, but with most of the dialogue cut out.  When you put in the disc it even warns you on the screen that some levels are disturbing, and if you press a certain button those sections can be skipped over.  I actually gasped out loud at one point in the game.  At other points you will just be in awe at what’s going on around you.  If you’re going to play this, you really shouldn’t look anything up on Youtube, wikias, or anything to not spoil any of the like 50 surprises.

By the way, is Vladmir Makarov, a Russian terrorist who terrorizes an airport, voiced by one of the Russian terrorists who hold up an airport from season 5 of 24?  Why, yes.  Is the “Overlord” who explains all of my mission objectives mid-mission my favorite character from 24, Aaron Pierce, head of the Secret Service?  Why, yes.  Yes it is.  What a coincidence.

You’ll be playing multiplayer forever. Call of Duty 4:  Modern Warfare’s multiplayer overtook Halo 3 as the most played game of Xbox Live.  They took everything that made that multiplayer amazing and added more.  For people who don’t know about the multiplayer, you can create custom classes with the different guns, attachments, grenades, killstreaks, the new deathstreaks, and more.  This lets you really customize the multiplayer to the way you want it to be, as you can switch between your custom classes mid-match.  Add to this the fact that for every single gun, attachment, and more there are challenges to unlock.  You constantly get more XP and rank up all the time, and the more you rank up the more you unlock.  It makes it feel like you’re actually being continuously rewarded for playing, unlike in Halo 3.  It even keeps track of the percentage complete your multiplayer is, and it goes up to 1000%.  You can play for months straight (24 hours a day) and still not have everything.  I’m still not even doing it justice as I’ve left out even more things you can do.

Special-Ops is great. Spec-Ops is the co-op mission mode of MW2.  There are tons of really diverse and fun missions to do, and all of it is tracked just like in multiplayer.  As you complete more you unlock more, and some of the most fun times in this game has been playing this mode with a buddy.  Imagine a friend runs under cover of night across fields and through barns while you bombard all of the enemies coming toward him or her with an AC-130.  It’s glorious.

Grenades aren’t spammed constantly. This was World at War’s biggest downfall, and what made it the hardest Call of Duty game.  You get behind cover so you don’t get shot, right?  Well, you duck behind cover and 12 GRENADES LAND ON YOUR POSITION AT ONCE.  This doesn’t happen in MW2.

Graphics are just…  wow. Play this on a big screen TV in 1080i, and then be amazed.  It’s really, really realistic.

Cons:

You have a disadvantage when starting multiplayer. You get the crappiest guns and can’t use attachments and the like for about the first 5-10 levels or multiplayer.  I had such bad Kill/Death Ratios (K-Ds) toward the beginning.  The point is to stick with it, and don’t get discouraged.  It gets better.

Some choke points in the campaign are tricky. If you’re playing the campaign on Veteran, the hardest difficulty and what Call of Duty should always be played on, some (but very few) sections are really difficult.  One section of the white-water rafting comes to mind. If you get in a place like this (not the rafting, but in shooting sections), remember sometimes you can push forward and get another checkpoint.

The story isn’t as good as it could’ve been. It’s still gripping, mind you, but some events are really far-fetched.  Like I said, they had a list of cool things and then wrote the story around it.

Achievements/Trophies are hard for less-skilled players. If you aren’t that great at FPSs, then you might not be able to get the majority of the achievements/trophies, which have to be done on Veteran.  This Veteran isn’t as hard as 2, 4, or World at War, though, so if you’ve beat them then you probably can do this one.

There is no Jack Bauer. I know, I’ve probably mentioned 24 too many times by now, but Kiefer Sutherland (Jack Bauer, the main character of 24) was the voice of your commander in World at War.  He should’ve been in this one, but he probably is under contract with the other Call of Duty company (it’s a long story, look it up yourself).

Well, there you have it.  Those first two pros were pretty long, but I still didn’t even say all that I wanted to.  Please look forward to next week’s review of Mass Effect 2, a game that I believe has achieved a pinnacle of gaming never before witnessed.  This has been Vegieza, and remember:  No Russian.