G l i t c h y G o b l i n !

Talking to Fangirls:

Being a fangirl in a fanboy’s world, I have experienced a lot of, well, unfortunate and embarrassing displays of “admiration.” I get it. I’m a rarity. Not a lot of chicks walk into the comic book store or make obscure references to Batman villains at work. But some fanboys act like they have never, ever been in contact with a woman before, and this concerns me because they make some of the dumbest fucking assumptions about me, and what I may know and care about.

I’m gonna help you guys out. Here is how not to talk to a fangirl, so you won’t verbally faceplant like these guys did.

Rule #1: Don’t assume that because you have the penis, that you are a bigger fan than me.

This is the quickest way to piss me the fuck off. It’s openly sexist. You are trying to impress me with news that happened months ago, because I, a girl, obviously would not be keeping up with the comings and goings of my own obsession. What the fuck? I get that if you had just met someone, you might throw out a few facts to see how they react, to see if they are as up to speed as you, but don’t insult their intelligence.

The biggest incident concerning this happened just a few months ago. My comic book store in Knoxville was closing (Triad Comics, R.I.P.), and this dude was trying to impress me with his Star Wars knowledge. Death Troopers had come out the day before, and he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I had heard of it. Yea, fucker, I had, like way fucking back in February 2009, when it had been announced. It was a fucking Star Wars novel combining zombies with Han and Chewie on a prison barge, how could I let that kind of holy geekery slip past me! It was all any nerd could talk about that week! I would have had to have been deaf and blind not to have at least heard of it, and there I was, holding my stack of Star Wars comics and a Tag & Bink trade paperback, and he still assumed I was a casual fan! So fuck you! Fuck you for assuming I didn’t know my shit, and for still going on and on about it even after I told you, “Yes, I know what it is,” and even explaining that I hadn’t bought it yet because I didn’t have the money for a hardback! You still had to go on like I didn’t know what it was about, like I was just yes-ing you or buying it just because it said “Star Wars” on the cover! FUCK YOU!!!

Rule #2: Don’t try to be a pimp. We’re too smart for that.

Before Triad opened, I had to go to this creepy comic book store called, we’ll say, “Collector’s Hell”. At the time, the owner, who we will call “Silent Bob,” had this guy working there who was kind of like “Jay” because he thought he was a smooth pimp, who loved the pussy, and Tubby there, was his fat man servant. For those of you who don’t get the reference, that was a line from Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Anyway, “Jay” was the kind of nerd who thought he was a fucking pimp, and he loved it when my nerdy, underage self would come in. He was pathetic, and would try to impress me with stuff even a sheltered, 16-year-old knew was bullshit. I always wondered if he would ever realize how gross and sad he was, a thirty-something year old man, hitting on a teenager, always asking me when I was going to turn eighteen. Then years later, after “Jay” had left the store, I asked “Silent Bob” if he needed any help in the summer, since I felt relatively safe around a man who only ever said “Hello,” and “Here’s your change.” He said “Yea, I can think of a few positions that you would be good at,” in a tone that told me he wasn’t talking about filing the back issues or organizing the posters. I never went back. Epic fail, guys.

What is it that Jay’s shoulder angel said in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back when he was gonna pull his dick out to impress Justice? Oh, yea. “That’s it, boy, put the dick down. You gotta go from the heart, yo. No little perv bullshit’s gonna work for this one.”

Exactly.

Rule #3: Don’t tell me you’ve met celebrities known for never doing the convention circuit. I know you are full of shit.

“Jay” once told me he met Harrison Ford at a Star Wars convention in Nashville. Bitch, please. Do I even have to explain to any of you how far-fetched that is? Probably not.

About six months ago, one of my fangirl friends and I went into Triad, and I suppose we left ourselves open to conversation because we bust in there ranting about how there’s hyperspace travel, air speeders, and other complex technologies in the Star Wars prequels, but evidently no effective birth control. There was no doubt that we were Star Wars fangirls. So this 50-year-old man starts macking on us, telling us about his $10,000 Star Wars collection and how he met Ewan McGregor at Celebration II. Obviously he didn’t know who he was messing with. 1) I was at that convention. The closest Ewan McGregor got to it was a video he and George were in that played during the opening ceremony where they thanked everyone for coming. They were a safe distance of 2,000 miles away. 2) If Ewan had been at CII, I would have sensed it through the Force. My vagina would have started to emit a sonar-like pulse and immediately started honing in on his location. Once his position was confirmed, my pussy would have sent his coordinates to the GPS trackers in my nipples, which would have locked onto his location. I like to imagine my nipples emitting a “Boop, boop, boop” noise during all of this. God help the volunteer 501^st trooper who would have stood in the way of my horny, 16-year-old self. 3) Ewan McGregor has never been to any convention, you fucking asshole.

Rule #4: Just be yourself.

Don’t put on airs to talk to us. We won’t do it for you. You’re much more attractive when we’re not having to wade through a sea of bullshit to find about if you are worth our time or not.

Whew. That wore me out. Let me know what you think at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com or on my blog. MTFBWY.

Yo! I’m back this week to brave the ocean city of Rapture again in Bioshock 2.  As with the first game, the sequel is a FPS that plays more like an adventure game than anything else.  The premise is that a man named Andrew Ryan, tired of governments and social norms, built Rapture to create a society where anyone can do what they want.  Gene splicing was heavily researched and all citizens wanted to look and feel better by using Plasmids (magic like lightning, fire, etc.) and gene tonics, which actually alter your genes to make you different.  Anyone who hasn’t played the first one should… now.  Glitchy Goblin himself is actually playing it beside me while I watch it.

PROS:

It’s good to be back. Even though the sequel is made by a different studio, an aspect that had everyone wary about the idea, they managed to capture the feeling of the unique underwater environments of the first game.  There are actual in-the-water underwater sections added to the mix, and with this it allows you to explore sections of Rapture that were out of reach the first time around.  Also, I recommend playing Bioshock 2 as it was meant to be played:  on the hardest difficulty setting.  It isn’t overly difficult, even though you’ll feel underpowered at the beginning, Vita-chambers respawn you infinitely if you die, and you’ll appreciate the strategy it takes a whole lot more.  Believe me.

The maturity is back. The mature story, ripe with controversial topics and vulgarity, makes a return as well.  Some citizens are sadistic (as told through their audio diaries), and some sections still have that horror-esque “you’re not safe here” ambience to them.  You once walk into a room with 3 baby cribs and about 15 televisions hovering above the cribs as play subliminal messages on them.

As with every other sequel I’ve reviewed, there are many improvements.  There are more weapons, plasmids, and enemy types.  Each plasmid now actually “evolves” when you upgrade it.  Like you can start out with Lightning, but eventually you’ll have a Lightning Storm.  This is greatly improved, since in the first game they only got stronger or had a longer duration as you upgraded them.  The new hacking minigame is also much shorter and therefore less annoying.

There is an ending. Bioshock had one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen.  It was basically a screenshot that depended on whether you were good or bad during the game, and it took it to an extreme.  Apparently, if you kill little girls than you would eventually like to rule the entire world through its destruction.  Plus, immediately before that, there was a sucky final boss.  This has none of these, and it makes sense.

It has a pretty entertaining multiplayer. For a sense of the multiplayer, go read my Modern Warfare 2 review.  They basically copied it, except it doesn’t take near as long to complete.  The more XP you get, the more stuff you unlock, and it also has challenges to complete.  Excuse me, I meant “trials”.  It doesn’t feel tacked on, and they try to give it a story.  It makes it a kind of prequel to everything.  The gameplay does not feel like Modern Warfare 2 at all, though.  It feels like Team Fortress 2.

CONS:

There are occasional glitches. Sometimes my hacked security bots would get stuck in midair or something similar.  These are frequent happenings, just minor annoyances.

Sometimes you don’t feel like you’re playing a Big Daddy. This is mostly toward the underpowered beginning, but when Splicers can hit me with a wrench and take out a quarter of my health… I just don’t remember ever being able to melee a Big Daddy four times and kill it, you know?

Your drill has fuel. As a Big Daddy, you have a drill arm.  I don’t ever see other Big Daddies have to refuel, so why should I?

OK, so right now Goblin is trying to tick me off by meleeing everything while spouting puns and making Chewbacca noises.  Back to the review.

It’s shorter than the first game. Bioshock 1 was pretty lengthy for an FPS. This one is not quite as long, but it’s close to the same length.  I actually spent more time playing this one because I explored more and was more careful.

It still has open areas, but it’s more linear in a way. Unlike the first game, once you leave an area you cannot revisit it.  They do warn you of this, however, so don’t worry that it suddenly takes you to another place against your will.  The areas themselves still feel open ended like in the first game.

Well, Goblin has many more cons, but who listens to that guy?  I’ve been Vegieza, and remember:  every word I speak, you already know.

Bah. I listen to me, and I’m all that matters. That being said, Bioshock is awesome, and a big thank you to Vegieza both for letting me play the game and for the sweet review. Sorry it’s late, yall.

It’s Vegieza, back once more to bring you a review from what I believe Assassin’s Creed II knocked off its Game of 2009 pedestal:  Call of Duty:  Modern Warfare 2.  It’s the sequel to the 4^th game, but the game before this one was Call of Duty:  World at War.  But World at War is not Call of Duty 5.  And Modern Warfare 2 is not 5 or 6.  And you’re just supposed to call it Modern Warfare 2.  And they dropped the “4” from “Call of Duty 4”.  Confused yet?

Before I get to the Pros and Cons, I have to say that I had quite a hard time coming up with cons for this game.  The basics are that if you’re a fan of First Person Shooters, this is a must buy as it is one of the most exhilarating, depthful FPSs ever conceived.  If you’re looking for an action game, at least borrow this from someone.  If you don’t like FPSs at all, then you probably should find something else.

Pros:

It’s Action-Packed. Rarely will you see so many different action sequences rolled up into one campaign as with this.  It’s like they had a list of cool things they thought up and then squeezed them all in.  Basically, it’s an entire season of 24 in one game, but with most of the dialogue cut out.  When you put in the disc it even warns you on the screen that some levels are disturbing, and if you press a certain button those sections can be skipped over.  I actually gasped out loud at one point in the game.  At other points you will just be in awe at what’s going on around you.  If you’re going to play this, you really shouldn’t look anything up on Youtube, wikias, or anything to not spoil any of the like 50 surprises.

By the way, is Vladmir Makarov, a Russian terrorist who terrorizes an airport, voiced by one of the Russian terrorists who hold up an airport from season 5 of 24?  Why, yes.  Is the “Overlord” who explains all of my mission objectives mid-mission my favorite character from 24, Aaron Pierce, head of the Secret Service?  Why, yes.  Yes it is.  What a coincidence.

You’ll be playing multiplayer forever. Call of Duty 4:  Modern Warfare’s multiplayer overtook Halo 3 as the most played game of Xbox Live.  They took everything that made that multiplayer amazing and added more.  For people who don’t know about the multiplayer, you can create custom classes with the different guns, attachments, grenades, killstreaks, the new deathstreaks, and more.  This lets you really customize the multiplayer to the way you want it to be, as you can switch between your custom classes mid-match.  Add to this the fact that for every single gun, attachment, and more there are challenges to unlock.  You constantly get more XP and rank up all the time, and the more you rank up the more you unlock.  It makes it feel like you’re actually being continuously rewarded for playing, unlike in Halo 3.  It even keeps track of the percentage complete your multiplayer is, and it goes up to 1000%.  You can play for months straight (24 hours a day) and still not have everything.  I’m still not even doing it justice as I’ve left out even more things you can do.

Special-Ops is great. Spec-Ops is the co-op mission mode of MW2.  There are tons of really diverse and fun missions to do, and all of it is tracked just like in multiplayer.  As you complete more you unlock more, and some of the most fun times in this game has been playing this mode with a buddy.  Imagine a friend runs under cover of night across fields and through barns while you bombard all of the enemies coming toward him or her with an AC-130.  It’s glorious.

Grenades aren’t spammed constantly. This was World at War’s biggest downfall, and what made it the hardest Call of Duty game.  You get behind cover so you don’t get shot, right?  Well, you duck behind cover and 12 GRENADES LAND ON YOUR POSITION AT ONCE.  This doesn’t happen in MW2.

Graphics are just…  wow. Play this on a big screen TV in 1080i, and then be amazed.  It’s really, really realistic.

Cons:

You have a disadvantage when starting multiplayer. You get the crappiest guns and can’t use attachments and the like for about the first 5-10 levels or multiplayer.  I had such bad Kill/Death Ratios (K-Ds) toward the beginning.  The point is to stick with it, and don’t get discouraged.  It gets better.

Some choke points in the campaign are tricky. If you’re playing the campaign on Veteran, the hardest difficulty and what Call of Duty should always be played on, some (but very few) sections are really difficult.  One section of the white-water rafting comes to mind. If you get in a place like this (not the rafting, but in shooting sections), remember sometimes you can push forward and get another checkpoint.

The story isn’t as good as it could’ve been. It’s still gripping, mind you, but some events are really far-fetched.  Like I said, they had a list of cool things and then wrote the story around it.

Achievements/Trophies are hard for less-skilled players. If you aren’t that great at FPSs, then you might not be able to get the majority of the achievements/trophies, which have to be done on Veteran.  This Veteran isn’t as hard as 2, 4, or World at War, though, so if you’ve beat them then you probably can do this one.

There is no Jack Bauer. I know, I’ve probably mentioned 24 too many times by now, but Kiefer Sutherland (Jack Bauer, the main character of 24) was the voice of your commander in World at War.  He should’ve been in this one, but he probably is under contract with the other Call of Duty company (it’s a long story, look it up yourself).

Well, there you have it.  Those first two pros were pretty long, but I still didn’t even say all that I wanted to.  Please look forward to next week’s review of Mass Effect 2, a game that I believe has achieved a pinnacle of gaming never before witnessed.  This has been Vegieza, and remember:  No Russian.

Oy!  It’s Vegieza coming back straight from seeing what June is like on Jupiter and Mars to bring you a review of Bayonetta.  From the director of Devil May Cry, this game is even more ridiculous.  Just listen to this:  The two clans of light and dark, The Lumen Sages and Umbra Witches, had a schism and disappeared from the Earth after Europe’s Witch Hunts.  You play a resurrected witch named Bayonetta. Her clothing is made of hair, she wields a gun on each hand and each foot,  and battles upside-down crotch baby-faced dragon armed Angels.  Or a tube-fingered thing.  Or the 12th Colossus from Shadow of the Colossus.  Or spear-wielding tribal seagulls.  Or God.  All of those things.  While riding a missile.

Pros:

Ridiculously Over-the-Top At All Times. All of the aforementioned Catholic stuff.  This game probably has won an award for having half of the top 20 most outlandish moments in gaming.  I don’t want to tell you anymore.  You just have to play it to understand.

It has huge bosses. Do you know the final Colossus in Shadow of the Colossus (one of the best games of all time)?  Every boss is 10 times bigger than that.  The boss fights are so big that they are their own level, and they’ll take like 10 minutes or more to beat.  Destroying one just feels so monumental, yet so easy at the same time.

There are references to other video games… ALL THE TIME. You have to be very attentive to catch the references, though.  Being a Capcom game, most of the references to other games are other Capcom games, but there are exceptions.  References include, but are not limited to:  Resident Evil, Okami, God Hand, Viewtiful Joe, Devil May Cry (of course)……… God of War, Halo, Metroid, and SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

It has great replayability. It is a relatively difficult game, but with practice you become an unstoppable force.  And there are multiple difficulties beyond that.  There are challenge rooms hidden all over the place, as well as journal entries, tombs, records (to get new weapons), and 50 birds to collect across the difficulties.  There are even making-of videos, 3-D model and artwork galleries, and tons of accessories, weapons, outfits, and extra abilities.  Each weapon has it’s own set of combos, and you can wear a different weapon for each hand and foot to make tons of combinations and you also have the ability to pick up enemies’ weapons and use them until they break.  There are lost chapters and bosses, special ways to get hidden weapons, medals for every chapter, those achievement things, and unlockable characters to play as.  It’s a very customizable hack-and-slash with lots of things to collect.

Gameplay is Vary Veried… err, Very Varied. It’s not just room after room of: “Oh, now I have to fight those same enemies, but there’s a couple more of them and they’re slightly more powerful.”  They change it up a lot.  The game forces you to battle differently sometimes.  Sometimes it’s just hack-and-slash, but then sometimes there’s a puzzle or some strategy.  Sometimes you’re playing a minigame the entire level.  Sometimes you’re freezing time on the top of a currently-crashing-into-the-interstate cargo plane so that you can put some sort of winged Mayan albatross into a guillotine while sucking on a lollipop.  Or whatever they make you do.  At least you’re wearing magical ice skates while you do it.

Cons:

There is a steep difficulty curve. Except for Very Easy and Easy, which I’ll get to in a sec.  Until you get the hang of dodging like every second and know when an enemy is going to attack you even if it’s off-screen, you will die a lot.  And your chapter score will be crappy.  You don’t want that, as they give you the Joe Pesci award.  Also, the only mini-boss is a cross between Henry from No More Heroes and Sephiroth from Kingdom Hearts.  And you fight this person a lot more than once.

It may be too Japanese for some. This game is so Japanese it’s… I really need to not use the word “ridiculous” anymore.  If it’s not blaring “Fly Me to the Moon” in the background, it’s something you’d hear in every j-rpg or anything from over there.  The amount of camp and style it displays is also very anime-esque.  For every person I know that doesn’t like this game, it was for this reason mainly.  On top of that, the Easy and Very Easy difficulty levels are apparently made so you can play the game with only one hand.  you just have to push two of the buttons and the game does all of the combos for you.  Well, I guess at least they’re thinking about the tough lives one-handed people lead…

Mostly Text-told story. In order to not be utterly confused all of the time, you must also read all of the journals and stuff that you collect.  This shouldn’t be necessary.  They should provide enough story in the cutscenes in order for the player to get it.  I knew what was going on because I read the journals.

The Achievements/Trophies are gonna take a while. The game creates this thing called the “101 Umbran Tears of Blood” (a pretty neat idea), which is basically all of the (I think) 51 birds you collect and the 50 achievements combined into one total.  It’s actually incorporated into the story that all of these tears were intentionally scattered around.  Anyways, you have to beat this game on hard, an even higher difficulty than hard, and collect tons of things in the game to get all of the achievements/trophies.  It would take multiple, multiple play-throughs.

The PS3 Version sucks.  Don’t get it. Before the recent patch the PS3 version of this game got stuck on the loading screen.  It did it when you go to the pause menu, when you unpause, when you pause during a cutscene (and unpause), and when you do anything or think about anything.  We’re talking a good 5 second pause.  Still, the framerate constantly drops and there is a lot of screen tearing, even during cutscenes.  These are not good things.

Well, that’s about it.  This has been Vegieza.  I have a fever, and the only cure is killing more Angels.