G l i t c h y G o b l i n !

Sup Gobbies? Goblin here, introducing Fangirl on the Loose, number two. It’s a doozy, too, so buckle up. As always, it’s unedited and NSFW. Enjoy!

I don’t know if you guys have been following The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network, but last week’s episode kinda hit me in my little black fangirl heart. Last week, our good Master Kenobi said that he would have left the Order for Duchess Satine of Mandalore, if she had just asked him to all those unspecified years ago. What the fuck? I would have lost some Republic credits on that bet.

I spent years trying to figure out how to reasonably maneuver my fanfiction character into Obi-Wan’s Jedi knickers, when evidently all I had to do was make my character hide behind a few rocks. To think I wasted so much paper on sassy dialogue, trying to become an equal in combat, and drunken seductions, when all I had to do was quit trying so hard and create a classic damsel in distress, rescue-my-girly-ass, kinda situation.

Sure, Satine has her merits. I like that she’s smart, funny, and a master of biting sarcasm. A lot of other fangirls like her, too. But because of her pacifist beliefs, she’s made herself a willing (willing, damn it!) damsel in distress, and I just can’t fucking left that go.

Two weeks ago, when I watched the first episode in this story arc, “The Mandalore Plot,” something just bothered me about it. I just couldn’t figure it out. Something was out of place. That’s when it hit me. She was the first chick in the entire series to ever hide behind a mother-fucking rock while her boyfriend played hero and rescued them both.

What the fuck? I didn’t even know damsels in distress existed in Star Wars. Sure, Padme and Leia have both been in situations where they needed a little help from their friends (I’m thinking particularly of Leia in the Death Star’s holding cell), but as soon as they could get their hands on a blaster, they were going to defend themselves against more than just droids if they had too.

Also, The Clone Wars writers basically refitted the Anakin-Padme romance to an Obi-Wan storyline. Are Jedi only in to royal pussy? Does blue-collar pussy not taste as sweet? Does it taste like unpaid bills, a 12-pack of ramen noodle, and despair? Why couldn’t Filoni and the team have reached a little further in coming up with a new female character? We have so few of them guys, I’m just asking you to go outside of the box a little.

So far I’ve really enjoyed The Clone Wars. As you guys can probably tell, I’m a girl who loves explosions and ass-kicking, and they have definitely delivered on that this season. But I can’t sit and watch these episodes and not notice this anymore, this I-love-you-because-you-let-me-be-the-man-and-protect-you-while-you-cowered-with-fear thing. I thought we were past that people. And she’s from Mandalore! She was supposed to be the duchess of ass-kicking! She was supposed to bring Hell to your fucking door if you were foolish enough to challenge her! That was a real mind-fuck, guys. Totally surprised me with the Mandalorians being pacifists thing.

Sigh. I’m going to go listen to “Fett’s Vette” and fume. As always, for questions, comments, or rants, leave a comment or e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com.

Yep, you read correctly. Johnny Yong Bosch is going to be in the next Saw film, obviously titled Saw VII, but possibly also calld Saw 3-freakin’-D.

Bosch, whom I’ve met at anime cons for the signing of everything Trigun I own as well as a Power Rangers VHS and to (admittedly creepily) ask him to record my voice mail message, has been in quite a few of this nerd’s favorite things. He was my favorite Ninja Ranger because I loved the Frog Zord, and because White Ranger was never as cool as Green Ranger. Sorry Tommy. Good luck in Mixed Martial Arts! He’s kicking serious tail, btw. Not to divert, but here’s the vid, which I saw on nerd news blog Topless Robot.

Holy crap, Jason, way to earn Tommy’s whopping four Ranger helmets, plus that shiny doctorate he got in the later seasons.

Back on topic, Bosch is also the voice of Vash the Stampede, from Trigun, as well as dozens of other anime, but Trigun is my favorite.

He’s also been in TONS of games and a few movies. His IMDB is worth a look.

It’s there that I saw, thanks to my good buddy Niko, that he is going to be in the next Saw movie.

Holy crap, I think the heroes of my childhood are clashing with the villains of my adulthood.

Jigsaw is going to kill my favorite voice actor, and second favorite power ranger… in 3D.

I think I need to pray. -GG

Hey! I’m back for another review, and this time it’s Borderlands.  Borderlands is an FPSRPG, otherwise known as a firstpersonshooterrolepersongame… or something.  Woah.  How did they not think of this sooner?  Anyways, the gist is that a wasteland planet called Pandora is rumored to have treasure buried by aliens somewhere in a place called “The Vault”.  You play one of four bounty hunters (four classes) that travel to the planet to find out where it is, what it is, and all sorts of other things.

Here are the pros and cons:

Pros:

The co-op is… amazing. Grab a buddy or significant other and play this baby for 60+ hours.  It doesn’t even matter if they don’t care about the story or why you’re even doing the quests.  They won’t mind because shooting people and driving around is so fun.  After you beat the game, New Game+ begins and the enemies still level up with you.  It even renames the baddies and gives some of them differents skins.  You can create as many different characters as your harddrive can handle and play with your partner in any combination of them you see fit.  There are even Call of Duty 4-style challenges that give bonus EXP, like “I fired every bullet ever” is to fire 10,000 bullets over the course of the game.

I need guns.  Lots of guns. There are over 100,000 different guns in this game.  No, my ‘0′ key did not get stuck.  Mostly they all look different, with different looking stats, attachments, colors, elemental additions, and more.  A lot of people say the guns are all the same, but they really aren’t.  In addition to guns are shield mods, grenade mods, class mods, and elemental mods, most of which are different from each other in stats and appearance.

It’s Cel-shaded. I actually like the art style this game has going on.  It adds to the goofy, redneck humor that the whole game conveys.  I really think it wouldn’t have been as fun if it was realistic looking.

Once Again, Easy Achievements. Again, I’m a little, naughty, achievement whore and this game satifies me more than… OK I’ll stop.  Pretty much every achievement is easy.  You have to beat the game almost twice to get to level 50 (the only one I haven’t got yet, I’m 49) and then get 15 kills with all 4 class’s action skill, but that’s about it.

The sequel will be better. Perhaps the best thing (besides the co-op) about this game is that with all they leave out (explained in the “cons” section), the sequel will have those things.  If they still have an awesome co-op and tons of guns, then that game will ROCK.  It is rumored that they didn’t plan on it selling well and never planned on it having a sequel.  They have now said that it would be a “no-brainer” to have one.

Cons:

All NPCs are zombies. Except for the CL4P-TP, all NPCs just stand there like rocks.  There is absolutely no life to them and they are annoyingly boring.  They just barely nod to you (sometimes), and their mouths don’t move when they talk.  By the way, the first DLC pack actually has zombies.

Bare-as-bones Story. At the beginning a “Guardian Angel” (some Japanese chick) is somehow talking to you and telling you to obey her and all sorts of stuff.  She somehow knows about the Vault.  That and the game description at the top is the story you’ll get at the beginning.  And almost nothing else at all until the end.  There are a few audio clips, but that’s pretty much it.  “Hey, this bad guy has a piece of the Vault Key, 3 or 4 of which you’ll need eventually by the end… go fight him for it” is NOT story.  95% of the quests you will do have nothing to do with that story, and the other 4.8% are the quests previously mentioned.  Again, this will most likely be improved in the sequel.  And no, not everything is explained at the end.  I still don’t know why some things happened.

Enemy Variety. There are about 5 different species of creatures, and bandits.  That guy on the front of the game who’s blowing his brains out?  You’ll shoot him in the head personally about 100 times, and specifically that model of bandit.  The New Game+ does really alleviate this problem somewhat, but some are still the same anyway.

Once You Go Co-op, You Can’t Go Back. After the tremendous fun I had in the cooperative campaign, the single player game is like the most boring thing ever.  Without much story, it just seems tedious to play it by myself.

Needs Moar Humorz. The moments the game actually tells jokes, it is hilarious.  These times are few and far between, unfortunately.  The screens it shows when you encounter the boss are the best comedic moments in the game.

For now, this has been Vegieza, Interplanetary Ninja Assassin.

Thanks Vegieza. Top notch. As a quick point, the FPSRPG has in fact been done before, like what I found with a quick google search:

Bioshock, Deus Ex, Fallout3, Hellgate: London, Mass Effect, Neocron, PlanetSide, Stalker, System Shock, Vampire: The Masquerade-Bloodlines

Granted, some of them merely sport RPG elements (and some of them ARE mostly THIRD person shooters, not first) and aren’t TRUE role-playing games, yelling ‘level up’ every ten minutes, but Bioshock DID have you collect Experience points of sorts and level up your abilities.

That being said, Borderlands sounds awesome, and it seems to take the FPS RPG Hybrid to the next level, exemplifying both in a tight, high-quality, fun package, whereas most of the others can’t claim even two of those properties. We’ll see Vegieza next week to put your head in a Vice  once again.

Been too long, waiting for this game. Too long have I endured since the wonders that were Sonic, Sonic 2 and 3, as well as Sonic and Knuckles. Heck, I’ll even let CD, 3D Blast and Mean Bean Machine slide, and those are PUSHING IT. Since then… well… since then…

For the love of God, and all that is Holy...

And that’s just the GAMES. Let’s not gent into Sonic X, which was the biggest freaking fail since Sonic took the fail train into fail village and shacked up with princess fail at the fail hotel. Even the comics have gone to crap, not to mention Sonic Underground… ugh… I need to go puke…

I know, Jack, that’s how I felt when I played Sonic Heroes, too.

That being said, yesterday we got wind that Project Needlemouse is now, officially, Sonic the Hedgehog 4. It will be a downloadable game that comes in installments, like the Half Life Episode games. It’ll be released on Wii, PS3, and 360, as well as a ’secret 4th system’ rumored to be the Ipod touch and the Iphone, which aren’t gaming consoles, you morons.

The plot, btw, is following the original, taking place just after the rescue of angel island and the destruction of the Death Egg.

The first chapter is now slated for later this year, expect spontaneous updates from me here, or you can go to more official sources, like SEGA or Wikipedia. -GG

Goblin here. We’ve finally got a fangirl on our staff, and she’s gunna rock your socks, fools. As per requests, we’ll be presenting it uncensored, so brace for impact. Got fangirl questions? Send ‘em. So, without further ado, I’ll give it away to Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose!

Hey, fanboys. Girls. Fanpeople. Whatever. You nerds. You geniuses in your chosen obsession. Anyway, what’s up, I’m Haley the Fangirl, and I’m going to be adding some feminine presence to Glitchy Goblin. But don’t freak out. Being a fangirl isn’t all glitterly vampires, Nathan Fillion, and profile pictures of my cat. Well, maybe for some chicks. For me, it’s more about Star Wars, comic books and lots of ass-kicking. I don’t even have a cat. Rest in peace, Boo Boo.

So we can get to know each other a little better, here are some fun facts about me:

• I got my first comic book when I was 8-years-old. My uncle got me Catwoman #6 for Christmas. Why he got me a book with the demonic-looking, 1980’s cyber-shit Jean Paul Valley Batman hovering over Catwoman who is carrying a barrel of toxic waste, on it, I’ll never understand. But he smoked a lot of weed back then, so maybe he just didn’t notice.
• Just so you don’t have to ask: No, I don’t like Twilight. Actually, I haven’t seen it or read it, because I’m too much of a Stoker-canon geek to want to.
• I know more about Obi-Wan Kenobi than you ever will. No, just shut up, stop whatever arguments you are imagining right now. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL ABOUT GENERAL KENOBI. Okay, don’t believe me, here is what I did during my adolescence: I read about Obi-Wan, I taped pictures of him to my wall, and I imagined fucking him, end of story. While my friends were dreaming about N’Sync serenading them and only them, I was writing about getting into Obi-Wan’s Jedi pants, despite his arguments about how the Jedi avoid such entanglements. Of course, I would always win because I was a hot, charming, Corellian detective whose spunk and sweet ass he could not resist.

And Ryder Windham, I certainly know more than you, you overpaid fuck. You wrote The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi biography over the fucking weekend, I know it! Don’t lie to me! And it’s not like that’s the only thing you’ve fucked up. You didn’t even include the Jedi Code in The Essential Guide to the Force. It was a fucking footnote! I fucking hate you. I am now declaring you my official nemesis, you Lucas-sucking nerf herder.

• My Star Wars obsession forced me to gain 15 pounds the summer of 1999 because I was trying to collect all of the Pepsi Co. promotional cans for Star Wars: Episode I. My mom wouldn’t buy me another case until I finished the one that we had, so I sacrificed my 5’4” frame for the cause. Fifteen pounds on a short girl can make a big, crap-now-I’m-even-more-socially-awkward difference. The invention of the Yoda Soda (1 can Mt. Dew, 2 green pixie sticks, 1 blue pixie stick) by my friends and I didn’t help. We would also dig through the trash for cans after lunch period. I’m going to call these examples of dedication.

I suppose that’s enough for now. I could go on about what’s on my pull list, the costumes I’m working on and how much I adore Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, but I feel like you guys have gotten a taste for me now. That sticky, sweet nerd-girl taste. Like the inside of Catwoman’s jumpsuit after a night of thievery and awesomeness.

If you all have any questions for me, like “Why won’t my girlfriend dress up as Slave Leia?” or “What should I do to impress this hot fangirl in my class?” just e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com. See you next week, nerds.

Ah, terrible video game voice acting. Almost as damning as poor writing and crappy gameplay. Here, we have some shining examples of voice acting tom foolery.

There were a few missing, for me. Like Dante’s “I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO FILL YOUR DARK SOUL WITH LIGHT!!!” Even still, quite entertaining.

So, as a lot of you know, or SHOULD know, we’ve got info on a new sonic game today.

If you somehow missed the funbus, get your ticket to ride over at SEGA’s blog.

So far, we know ONLY SONIC is playable. Thank you, merciful rainbow Obama Jesus. Will the others appear? Who knows, but if I had anything so say about it, most would die in terrible fires. Why? Here’s a bulleted list.

• Sonic, he can really move (but not in 3D)
• Sonic, he’s got an attitude (in the comics and pre 2000)
• Sonic, he’s the fastest thing ali-ee-ive (but not when next to ANY OTHER CHARACTER BECAUSE THEIR ALL THE SAME SPEED NOW.)

Here, I’ll even give you the Needlemouse teaser.

Sweet, huh?

Well, today we get the full details, like come new concept art and the true title. Brace for fail, pray for Sonic the Hedgehog 4, only on the Sega Genesis.

In honor of the next probably terrible game’s birth, I bring you a look back at better times, just funkily remixed.

I’ll hit you guys up later with details. Until then, -GG.

Goblin here. Starting today, we have some new writers! Make ‘em feel welcome, yall. First up is my bro, Jeremy, who made me painfully aware of just how Glitchy this Goblin is, inspiring my Glitch of the Week (that’s returning this week, too.) Later in the week, we’ll here from another new writer, my bud Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose. But for now, here’s Vegieza with a look at Assassin’s Creed 2.

To start off, I would like to be called by my XboxLive Gamertag:  Vegieza.  Anyone can add me if they would like.  I am the frequently referred to “Jeremy”, as I have been present for the majority of the Goblin’s video game glitches.  All were hilarious.  Based upon a lack of a continuous video game review segment, I have been asked to put my current education to the test.

I was asked to come up with 5 pros and 5 cons for Assassin’s Creed II.  After a week or so of thought, I believe I have accumulated a list that will help you, the reader, decide whether or not to throw down 6 Hamiltons on the counter at GameStop and pick it up.  I will begin with 5 reasons as to why I feel that Assassin’s Creed II is my personal Game of the Year for 2009.

PROS:

It expands on everything in the first game. Yes. You heard me. Everything is better than the first Assassin’s Creed.  There are more moves.  There are more weapons.  There are more things to do.  It is at least twice as long.  The world is way more interesting to explore.  The blending system isn’t broken.  Everything.  Therefore it creates the second pro.

The game has removed most of the elements players complained about the first time around. The main complaint about Assassin’s Creed was the sheer redundancy of the investigation missions.  These have been completely removed.  Never again will you have to sit on a bench and eavesdrop.  At least 99% of the missions in the game are completely different than all of the other missions.  It’s like a more linear Grand Theft Auto type mission setup.  The odds are if you didn’t like the first game you will like the second.

The story destroys your childhood and punches history buffs in the face. I love this plotline.  How on earth the developers came from, “Hey, we should make a game about assassinating people” to this is unbelievable.  Personally, I love conspiracy theories, and the plot’s twists and turns this story weaves has rocketed it into my favorite 5 plotlines (One Piece, Lost, Metal Gear Solid, Mass Effect, and this).  Pretty much everything teachers taught you in history class are contorted and warped into this plotline, and it’s done brilliantly.  I cannot wait for the third game just to get more story.  Delicious.

It’s a pretty easy 1000/1000 or Platinum. Once you get to know me you’ll find out that I’m an achievement whore.  I’ve gotten all 1000 achievement points on this game, and the trophies on the PS3 are the same, so you can get an easy Platinum there.  The only minorly difficult one would be getting all 100 feathers in the game.  A good tip is to try not to collect any as you play.  After you finish the game you can easily follow a guide and it shouldn’t take but a little over an hour to get all of them.  If you’re having any difficulty on a few others, consult a guide and you’ll have them in no time.  Also, the only “missable” achievement/trophy is to kick a soldier while flying.  You have to lock on to one and it automatically does it.  Anyways, as some people buy game specifically for achievement points, this is an easy sell.  Heck, you might have some fun while you get them. >.>

Desmond doesn’t come out of the animus as often. There are only two points where you will come out of the animus.  Those are pretty creative sections, so gone are the reading of people’s e-mails and the pick pocketing of fountain pens.  I believe since Ezio is such an outstanding character, Desmond should take a backseat in this game.  They provide enough story to make up for it.  Plus, the story actually has a point as to why you’re in for such long periods and it will be included in the story later.

CONS:

The Notorious system is a little too easy to get out of. In order to alleviate the complaint from the first game where soldiers constantly hate Altair at all times, a “Notorious” system is provided.  For everything bad you do, a meter fills up.  When it fills completely, guards hate you just like the old days.  There are specific things you can do to bring the meter back down, but tearing down a wanted poster shouldn’t make it decrease a whole quarter of the meter.

There are sections missing from the game. “Corrupted” memory blocks create a few quite literal plot holes toward the end of the game.  This creates something briefly interesting, but the reason this was done was to make you pay for Downloadable Content.  The first DLC pack, “The Battle of Forli”, has been released, but it isn’t looking like much of a buy.  There are no achievements and it is only about 1-2 hours long.  In addition, this DLC leaves off on yet another cliffhanger.  Just wait until the second one comes out and get both.

While more complex in execution (pun intended), the assassinations seem less…  personal. After the first 2 assassinations or so, the plot goes crazy and it’s really hard to realize why exactly it is that you’re killing these guys.  About two thirds of the way through, though, they start providing videos explaining on who exactly some of the people are and why you’re assassinating them.

Lucy’s face is bad. What the heck did they think they were doing when they animated Lucy (voiced by Kristen Bell)?  The entire series’ graphics got enhanced and even cooler looking except for her (quite the opposite).  At least you don’t see her much.

Ezio’s personal bubble hates escorts. Yes, that sentence is correct.  Whenever Ezio (or Desmond, for that matter) is walking beside someone or blending in with anyone who’s walking, his body turns (not the legs, mind you) toward the person.  It is the most awkward looking thing ever.  I hated it the entire game.

Well, there you go.  I wanted this to be slightly more extensive than I’ll try to have it other times, because once again I believe this was the best game of last year.  Thanks for letting me do this, Goblin.

Requiescat in pace.

Because they released the opening to his anime favorite. I am amazed and confounded that they actually animated the intro to this show, which does not exist. Amazing.

via No More Heroes 2: Desperate Struggle Video Game, Bizarre Jelly Cutscene | Game Trailers & Videos | GameTrailers.com.

Thanks also to FredEx919.