G l i t c h y G o b l i n !

Goblin here. We’ve finally got a fangirl on our staff, and she’s gunna rock your socks, fools. As per requests, we’ll be presenting it uncensored, so brace for impact. Got fangirl questions? Send ‘em. So, without further ado, I’ll give it away to Haley, the Fangirl on the Loose!

Hey, fanboys. Girls. Fanpeople. Whatever. You nerds. You geniuses in your chosen obsession. Anyway, what’s up, I’m Haley the Fangirl, and I’m going to be adding some feminine presence to Glitchy Goblin. But don’t freak out. Being a fangirl isn’t all glitterly vampires, Nathan Fillion, and profile pictures of my cat. Well, maybe for some chicks. For me, it’s more about Star Wars, comic books and lots of ass-kicking. I don’t even have a cat. Rest in peace, Boo Boo.

So we can get to know each other a little better, here are some fun facts about me:

• I got my first comic book when I was 8-years-old. My uncle got me Catwoman #6 for Christmas. Why he got me a book with the demonic-looking, 1980’s cyber-shit Jean Paul Valley Batman hovering over Catwoman who is carrying a barrel of toxic waste, on it, I’ll never understand. But he smoked a lot of weed back then, so maybe he just didn’t notice.
• Just so you don’t have to ask: No, I don’t like Twilight. Actually, I haven’t seen it or read it, because I’m too much of a Stoker-canon geek to want to.
• I know more about Obi-Wan Kenobi than you ever will. No, just shut up, stop whatever arguments you are imagining right now. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU EVER WILL ABOUT GENERAL KENOBI. Okay, don’t believe me, here is what I did during my adolescence: I read about Obi-Wan, I taped pictures of him to my wall, and I imagined fucking him, end of story. While my friends were dreaming about N’Sync serenading them and only them, I was writing about getting into Obi-Wan’s Jedi pants, despite his arguments about how the Jedi avoid such entanglements. Of course, I would always win because I was a hot, charming, Corellian detective whose spunk and sweet ass he could not resist.

And Ryder Windham, I certainly know more than you, you overpaid fuck. You wrote The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi biography over the fucking weekend, I know it! Don’t lie to me! And it’s not like that’s the only thing you’ve fucked up. You didn’t even include the Jedi Code in The Essential Guide to the Force. It was a fucking footnote! I fucking hate you. I am now declaring you my official nemesis, you Lucas-sucking nerf herder.

• My Star Wars obsession forced me to gain 15 pounds the summer of 1999 because I was trying to collect all of the Pepsi Co. promotional cans for Star Wars: Episode I. My mom wouldn’t buy me another case until I finished the one that we had, so I sacrificed my 5’4” frame for the cause. Fifteen pounds on a short girl can make a big, crap-now-I’m-even-more-socially-awkward difference. The invention of the Yoda Soda (1 can Mt. Dew, 2 green pixie sticks, 1 blue pixie stick) by my friends and I didn’t help. We would also dig through the trash for cans after lunch period. I’m going to call these examples of dedication.

I suppose that’s enough for now. I could go on about what’s on my pull list, the costumes I’m working on and how much I adore Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn, but I feel like you guys have gotten a taste for me now. That sticky, sweet nerd-girl taste. Like the inside of Catwoman’s jumpsuit after a night of thievery and awesomeness.

If you all have any questions for me, like “Why won’t my girlfriend dress up as Slave Leia?” or “What should I do to impress this hot fangirl in my class?” just e-mail me at fangirlontheloose@gmail.com. See you next week, nerds.