Fangirl On The Loose! Manllows
21 02 2010Ok, due to rave reviews and my promise to those that love the segment, FOTL will again be presented unedited and NSFW. That warning aside, here’s the most graphic FOTL I’ve ever read, and if I know my audience, it’s right up you alley.
I Can’t Un-See This: The Twilight Manllows
This concerns me not just as a girl, but as a nerd. First of all, this thing is homemade. Some chick was so obsessed with snuggling up to/humping in the dark with the Twilight dudes that she fucking made it happen. That takes passion and skill, people, and a whole lot of fucking crazy. I never made myself a stuffed Franken-Kenobi, and it wasn’t just because I am a perfectionist and would never be satisfied with a nightmare-inducing, lumpy-looking, man-pillow hybrid. It was because I know that when you start making real-life substitutes for your favorite fictional characters, maybe you need to back off your geek obsession a little. No one wants to be that nerd, the nerd who no one else wants to be. You know, like the ones that write Robocop/Pokémon porn and makes Edward and Jacob manllows. She’s just one lonely night away from slapping one of those sparkly, Twilight-inspired “Vamp” dildos on her manllow, and then she’s basically got one of those RealDoll sex-bots that lonely, pathetic male nerds have been shelling out thousands of dollars for recently.
Secondly, yes, there is a Twilight-inspired dildo. You read that right. Check the link, read the comments, they’re very funny. The product description encourages the user to put it in the freezer to give it that authentic, vampire feel. What are you gonna tell the ER doctors when he’s asking you how you got frostbite on your snatch? “I just wanted to know what it was like to fuck a sexy, bloodthirsty corpse. Don’t judge me.”
And yes, the dildo sparkles.
I really don’t know what else to say. As a woman, I can’t relate to this chick at all. I guess I should say these chicks, because the manllows are sold out. As a geek, I’m simply scared, because this is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen. This was a line I never wanted to cross in my late-night nerd fantasies, and the Twilight fans have done it twice now.
So, Twilight-ers, please give us some feedback. Make me understand this, because now every time I see a teenage girl reading a worn-out copy of Breaking Dawn, I’m gonna start to hyperventilate and look for the nearest exit. I think a manllow is just one step away from murdering Robert Pattison and dancing around in his skin to “Goodbye Horses.”
I have to admit that I have my share of Star Wars cardboard standees, but I was never so desperate for human contact that I violated them. I guess it’s really happened…chicks have sunk so low that they have reached a point that was previously reserved for the creepiest of males: f-ing a lifesize doll. I mean, come on nerd-girls, are you so socially awkward that painting yourself up a’ la the Lady Marmalade video won’t even get you any tail?
I’ve always been a bit self conscious of my Star Wars obsession, but these Twilight girls have no shame. Every geek needs to feel a little self-disgust sometimes, to keep their obsession in check.
My fear is that down the road this will become a norm. A Twilight chick may have started it, but what’s fucked up is that they sold out. People want these things. No one should want these things! I’m thinking about the future, Padmeg, I’m thinking about the children. What if years from now, manllows are as common as a cardboard standee? Obi-Wan manllows, Doctor Who manllows, Spock manllows. If the generation of girls behind us don’t think that this is weird, if they just see it as a step up from a teddy bear or something, we could be living in a world of manllows, like 30 years from now. We can only hope the zombie apocalypse comes before that.
I’m gonna write your last sentence down, about keeping your obsession in check. That is a great quote, my friend.
[...] with a vampire fetish, and then BOOM! They’ve got the Vamp dildos, which snowballed into the manllows, and who knows what kind of weird shit will be out by the time the Breaking Dawn movie is released. [...]