I know, a bit late, but here I am, reviewing this summer’s most anticipated action flick, the Expendables.

Now, I’m not going to bore you, so here we go. This movie’s acting is alright, nothing special, and the same could be said for the plot. The action scenes are over-the-top, explosions abound, and the all-star cast is staggering, even if two names are only there for five minutes.

Those points aside, if you were a fan of eighties action movies in their prime, or just like watching crap explode, you’ll probably really like the expendables. The ending is pretty abrupt, but it’s an action movie, did you expect perfection?

Glitchy Goblin gives the Expendables a 7 out of 10.

This movie was everyone’s pinch hitter for summer. And why not? Dicaprio, the director of Dark Knight, HUGE budget, famous book as a source material… every sign points to yes! And yet… I was underwhelmed. Don’t get me wrong, the movie was alright. However, some of the dream physics gets a little wonky, like, and here’s the spoiler alert, kiddies- why didn’t they wake up when the van rolled? Even if their bodies were in a deeper dream inside the next dream level (since going down in the van led them to a hotel in which they dove deeper still) the hotel begins to rotate and should have slung their sleeping bodies to the wall, waking THOSE up.

Also, they make a huge deal about the impossible physics combat, which gets used once, MAYBE twice. Then there’s the totems. You only see one! There’s a shot about her chess piece, and she never even used the dang thing. What a waste of screen time.

Overall, this movie was good, but didn’t live up to the hype for me, especially since most of the dreams were just glorified chase sequences. See it, but expect less than they want you to.

Glitchy Goblin gives Inception an 8/10.

Alright, if you guys know me personally, you probably know a few things regarding me and the Scott Pilgrim movie. If not, here you go, a nice, bulleted list.

• It’s based on a FANTASTIC Canadian Manga series, by Bryan Lee O’Malley
• It’s directed by my favorite director, Edgar Wright (Because I think Tarantino got lazy.)
• I am square in its cynical, video game loving, punk rocking, anime watching demographic.
• I got free tickets to a preview showing thanks to Niko over at Nikoscream.com

That being said, I went into this movie with two mindsets. The first was that everything Edgar Wright touches turns to gold, the second being that I’ve been genuinely underwhelmed by most big movies this year, barring Iron Man 2, How to Train Your Dragon, and on a smaller scale, Inception, but I’ll do that one next week.

This movie was the best movie I’ve seen all year. However, unless you really love the comics, love anime/video game inspired fight scenes, really dig oddball movies, or just have a thing for Michael Cera or Edgar Wright, this movie may not be the thing for you.

That being said, give it a go! I really loved this movie, and can give it NO LESS than a 10 out of 10.

Hey guys. It’s been a minute since I’ve done a Movie Monday, but after me and some friends made the journey to a nearby metropolis, driving for nearly an hour to find a theater doing a midnight showing of the newest Super-Hero film, ‘Kick-Ass,’ I had to report on it.

PREFACE: I read the comic books before I went to see this movie. As most comic-book adaptations suck majorly, I didn’t have much hope. However, then I saw the wonderful trailers, chock full of shot-for-shot accurate recreations, the (mostly) spot-on costumes, and even the great dialogue and ‘R’ rating I knew it would need to be an accurate representation. Here’s how they look in the comics. Hover with your mouse for character names.

I hoped, deep down, that I would see one of my favorite comics well represented on the big screen. With Iron Man, Punisher: War Zone, and The Incredible Hulk, not to mention Sin City and Watchmen, having already done (mostly) faithful retellings of wonderful comics, a little fire of hope welled up in my chest. Spoilers are in green.

The movie starts out VERY faithful to the comic. some things are rearranged, some locations are changed, minor characters removed, although the biggest plot twist, red mist’s betrayal, is known from the beginning and never happens, as he’s still kick-ass’s friend… but they still fight… for some reason, whatever, I’m still happy halfway through! I begin to hope… maybe it really IS a great movie! One of my favorite comics has REALLY come to life and is blowing me away on screen!!! Astounding! YES, it’s everything I DREAMED IT WOULD BE!!! But then… about halfway through, after the induction of Nic Cage (who is a splendid casting choice and rules in this role) things begin to change… DRASTICALLY. He shows up in the love interest’s room and reveals himself as Kick-Ass (which I was hoping was a dream or something) and then, instead of ridiculing him and sending him lude pictures and making him feel miserable, she accepts him and sleeps with him, then gets into comic books and they screw around outside the comic book store.

Yup, he pretends to be gay to get into her pants, pulls off a mask, and bam. Instant girlfriend. Ugh.

Then, the death of Big Daddy gets completely re-written, so that he dies a hero, protecting his little girl through fire, and they have a touching goodbye, as opposed to the books, where she gets shot and falls two stories, then he is revealed to be a lowlife who stole the girl from her mother and hocks comic books online to stay afloat, an average joe who flipped out and became a hero for no reason and dragged his own kid into it. He’s then unceremoniously shot in the back of the head before Hit Girl can rejoin the party (bulletproof vest, duh).

It’s all broadcast on the internet and Katie watches her boyfriend get beaten, but int he books he got his scrotum electrocuted and nearly died, and no one ever knew or cared, because it was alone in a warehouse forever away. Hit Girl blames Kick-Ass for her father’s death, Red Mist wants Kick-Ass to be safe, because they’re bros for some reason. (They still fight though, and Red Mist is revealed to now hate Kick-Ass at the end, even though he spent the whole movie trying to save him. Huh.)
But then comes the icing on the cake. At the movie’s crescendo, Hit-Girl storms the fort and slices and dices, people FEAR her and cower, as opposed to the comics, where a well-prepared adult that takes her seriously can take her down, and then, well… First, let me say that the comics and the movie both state that Batman isn’t plausible because he’s got all this money and tech that doesn’t exist. They say he CAN’T be a realistic hero for that reason. Then, here… with Hit Girl throwing kitchen knives and grown men cowering with rocket launchers, Kick Ass flies up with a jetpack (complete with two mounted miniguns) and mows them down heartlessly, all to Flight of the Valkyries.

…WHAT?!?!

This is a comic book about REALISTIC SUPER HEROES WITH REAL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES!!! Instead, we got THIS?! A movie where the guy gets the girl, everyone’s happy at the end and there were no actual consequences?! Are you CRAZY?! It all seemed like a TERRIBLE joke, and the only thing that kept me from walking out was hoping that it would have LITERALLY ALL been a dream sequence while he was being tortured.

Then Hit Girl doesn’t care about poor dead daddy and transfers into Dave’s highschool (even though she’s 10, or does the movie make her twelve? I can’t remember) and she lives with Daddy’s old cop partner, seeing as how their fake back story was true in the movie. Dave’s dad gets NOTHING, not even a girlfriend at the end, and Dave walks away with a hot girlfriend (as do his two buddies from issues one and two or whatever) and they all live happily ever after, except for hockey-mask-wearing, katana-having, gun toting, red (orange?) mist at the end of the movie.

The movie was an abomination. I feel like I’m having flashbacks to No More Heroes 2. I just want to punch myself in the face until it all goes away. Please, someone, if you can send me back in time to destroy the theater we went to, I’d be a much happier man… anything… please, I just can’t take the disappointment anymore…

I won’t even justify this mockery of a great comic book with a rating… having read the books, there’s no way I can enjoy this film…. ever.

I guess if you hadn’t seen it, it might be good… but please, if you have any soul left… just go read the comics. You’ll be far better for it, and you might even shed tears like I did. Until I recover the pieces of my shattered spirit, -GG.

Ok guys, this week’s film is an Asian film called Noroi. It will blow your mind.

Spoilers are in green, as always.

Now, this movie is yet another in the lengthening line of ‘handycam’ movies, where the cameraman is a character and carries around a camera, enticing the viewer to accredit the movie with a certain amount of truth and empathize with the characters more now that the viewer is involved, not watching from beyond their screen. Another stance is the stance that Noroi and Paranormal Activity take, where the footage has long been shot and we are reviewing the ‘lost footage.’

There’s even a show in this vein on Animal Planet. The show is called ‘Lost Tapes,’ and every episode portrays a hypothetical attack by a cryptid, like the Jersey Devil or the Sasquatch. That show is only so-so, but this movie is NOT.

Noroi follows a Journalistic investigator who is following the tales of psychics and a mysterious curse. Eventually, he follows the happenings to a submerged, forgotten village, a strange cult-like town, odd possessions, the same cryptic symbols, and more dead bodies than any of them care to see.

The movie has a wonderful meandering pace which is frightening and realistic. The lore feels factual and the characters are deep, for what they are. The acting is superb, and while it wasn’t as scary as Paranormal Activity, it’s still a hauntingly unique movie worth of a re-watch very, very soon.

I’m not going to tell you any more. Just go see it. You’ll thank me.

Glitchy Golbin gives Noroi an 8/10.

With this post, I’m resuming my normal posting schedule, minus the Midweek Mashup. Good to be back after that break. -GG

Hello Goblinites, I want to play a game.

GG here, starting the week near the week’s end. Trust be, been one of those weeks. However, only a few of you are loyal fans, so I guess it’s okay. Kinda.

How about this. You tell your friends to read and comment. Spread the word! If I see ten new commenters in a week, I will force myself into a better posting schedule by any means necessary.

Onto movie Monday. This week, we take a look at the newest Saw installment, Saw VI.

Like I’ve said before, I love this series. However, each year I feel like I’m watching a guy juggle knives while break dancing: it’s quite the sight to see, and it’s been great so far, but I fear that any minute now he’s gunna EPIC FAIL and fall onto the knives and die, I’ll vomit and wish I’d never watched, because that fail was so immense.

However, he hasn’t landed on the knives yet. Spoilers in green.

Now, in this movie, Jigsaw has been replaced by Detective Hoffman, the man who was ‘hunting’ him in Saw III, killed the dad from that movie in Saw VI, and resumed Jigsaw’s work in Saw V.

As we all knew before, Hoffman isn’t a genius like Jigsaw. Even JIGSAW knew that (obviously) and planned for the inevitable in this movie. Many loose ends from 3, 4, and 5 are tied up, new loose ends are created, a story completes itself, people get murdered, we all go home happy.

That being said, Hoffman’s traps are a far cry from the original Jigsaw’s. Most of his traps in this movie cost several bystanders their lives, and couldn’t be completed without SOME people dying. The traps are brutal and aren’t quite effective, but are cool to see and terrible to experience, as well as always being spun to his personal advantage.

It’s like if a less murderous, more charismatic, less biased Bill O’Rielly started making Jigsaw’s traps. /zing

One trap involved a group of people on a merry-go-round getting blown away by a shotgun if their boss doesn’t drill his hands and save them, and he can only save two. Usually, the traps wouldn’t REQUIRE anyone to die, and would only put the player himself at risk.

That being said, it’s said in the movie that Hoffman modifies the traps, starting with the rack in Saw III. He also caused Amanda to go crazy and shoot the doctor in Saw III, which is why he was so quick to shoot the dad in Saw IV. He has no problem modifying the games for his own agenda, and even claims HE is the one in control now.

It’s really cool to watch, and see him suspected, investigated, and unmasked as Jigsaw, ala Death Note. It’s very cool to realize he isn’t half as smart as his predecessor and that his pride is his folly and eventually, his undoing.

See this movie. It’s great and is yet another reason to watch Saw. It’s my second favorite in the series, just after Saw III.

Glitchy Goblin gives Saw VI an 8 out of 10.

Here’s hoping this break dancer can keep juggling those knives next year. -GG

Alright, back after a wonderful weekend. How you all doing this week?

In case you haven’t noticed, Monday’s post is out in the wee hours of Monday, meaning I’m on track for once! Yay!

This week, we’re taking a look at Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Now, this movie is good, if you’re a Star Wars junkie, but only in the right context. That hurts its rating, just FYI. Spoilers in green.

Now, this movie takes place between episodes II and III, during the previously mentioned Clone Wars. As someone whose been hearing about the Clone Wars since I was a kid, through mysterious mentionings in episode IV and various non-cannon sources, I was really excited!

But what you needed to know, what I somehow missed when I saw it in theaters, was that this movie is the first three episodes of the phenomenal series which now airs on Cartoon Network.

That being said, the concept and plot are solid, the characters are cool, the fighting is nifty, and a few design oddities aside, is really quite good. Only a few things make me a tad dizzy…

Jabba has a son… so… where did he go? And an uncle. A super homosexual uncle who talks like a southern belle. I got no problem with gay hutts, but it WAS jarring. AND very interesting, besides.

Also, Anakin’s padawan lived… which I didn’t expect, but I love her in the series. Good stuff. Lastly, they mention bounty hunters… but sadly, no Boba… not yet, anyway.

That being said, I really liked this movie, and in my opinion, it was better and far more interesting than episodes 2 and 3. See it if you haven’t already.

Glitchy Goblin gives Star Wars: The Clone Wars a 7 out of 10.

And next, an A Team update. Stay tuned!

Now, for those of you who’ve missed it, Paranormal Activity is sweeping the nation.

Now, I know this movie has the crappiest movie poster of all time, but read on, all will be explained.

Now, most people will tell you this movie is one of the scariest films of all time. I am not one to disagree, but it only hits about 50% of the audience.

Why? The answer is simple.

One out of four (estimated) people hate the shaky handi-cam technique of movies like Blair Witch Project and the more successful Cloverfield.

Another one of the ten have very little imagination or empathy, and therefore won’t be able to connect with the couple’s situation and fear as they fear.

The last few have actually been scared worse in real life, will over analyze the special effects and only like popcorn flicks, are ‘actual paranormal investigators’ who claim to have seen worse, or people who refuse to have a good time so they can bash it on the internet later.

However, if you aren’t one of those people, and you don’t like this movie, I will literally lick my commode. You have to give actual reasons and CONVINCE me you aren’t trolling, but hey, no one is reading this anyway.

However, this movie earned its rating in one more way: the cost. I think there’s something to be said for scaring me on a small budget. The 2007 Halloween movie, directed by Rob Zombie, cost $20,000,000. Most people said it wasn’t even close to being scary.

Cloverfield cost more, at $25,000,000, and was a FAR better movie, IMO.

Blair Witch cost $60,000 and has turned into a huge joke.

How much did Paranormal Activity cost? $11,000.

Yup, you could have made this movie 5 times for the cost of Blair Witch, or TWO THOUSAND TIMES for the cost of Cloverfield, and in my opinion, it was simply amazing.

To top it off, it was filmed in a single week.

As a movie, on its own, Glitchy Goblin gives Paranormal Activity an 8 out of 10.

As an impressive use of minimal funding, Glitchy Goblin gives it a 10 out of 10.

Hey all, happy Monday.

Let’s get to it with this weeks Movie Monday, a piece of WW II propaganda that would make even the most valiant Nazi switch sides. Not really. But it’s awesome. Kind of.

Now, as always, let me remind you that spoilers are in green, if the poster didn’t  tell you enough already.

Now, the movie is about a group of friends who head to a cabin for a bit during the Easter holiday to relax, drink, fornicate with strangers, yknow, typical zombie brunch heathen behavior.

Now, they find some crazy gold, and Nazi zombies attack them and wreck them royally, complete with terrible 70′s graphics. It’s amazing.

Yeah, maybe we should let that soak on in… Nazi Zombies. Oh yeah. Marinate in that for a minute. I’ll wait.

…

…

See? Wasn’t that nice? Well, a bunch of them get royally ruined, others get machine gunned to death, and no body lives, and the graphics are sub par and wonderous.

Watch it if you’re a zombie person or don’t care about legitimate history.

Glitchy Goblin gives Dead Snow a 6 out of 10.

Also, don’t forget to vote in the Midweek Mashup!

Woohoo! Alright, Goblinites, I am back.

I apparently saved Friday’s post as a draft. Woops. It’s published now. That being said, on the block this week is Punisher: War Zone.

Spoilers in green, sirs and madams.

Punisher: War Zone sports writing far superior to the previous Punisher cinematic endeavor, and War Zone is MUCH less of a family film, with ridiculously graphic violence, swearing, and some of the finest high-end super-action ever.

In the first few minutes, Frank Castle wipes out a huge branch of a mafia family, breaking old people’s necks, decapitating, machine gunning, and generally being awesome.

He eventually shoves a man into a glass smashing machine, creating Jigsaw, his arch-nemesis, shotguns a helpless captive in the face, and hits a free runner in the face with an RPG.

The writing is superb, making Castle feel older, slower, and still stronger than anyone you’d want to tangle with. The feel is amazing, the plot is solid, simple, and a total blast.  See War Zone, if you haven’t already.

Glitchy Goblin gives Punisher: War Zone a 9/10