Hey everyone. Been behind a bit, I know.

Because of this, Midweek Mashup is getting lengthened to a two-week event, and so is the Thursday Top 5!

This week is what I HATE about Bleach. Next week is what I LIKE about Bleach. Stuff like that.

That being said…

Top 5 Things I Hate About Bleach

5. Everyone Looks Like Ichigo

Seriously. Just look at the poster… they all look pissed off, all with a sharp chin and a black robe… He just adds a gender, makes sure they’re ALL skinny as a rail, makes up a hairstyle and some eyes, and bam. New character.

4. Bargain Bin Powers

Originally, things like Bankai and Flash Step were impossible for rookies. Now, EVERYONE has a Bankai, even the normal, every day shinigami. It just cheapens things, doesn’t it?

3. Its Cast Makes the NFL look Small

This is a normal cover… and it barely features ANY of the characters. Take a look at these pictures.

Hinamori, a moe girl with no real substance, ranked higher than Orihime, a main character. Also, note Kon, the bear in the bottom left panel… he came in FORTIETH in the popularity poll.

Hitsugaya got 8000 votes and came in #1 in that poll… and he got less than ten percent of the 90,000 votes. The least popular got less than 10, meaning the average vote count falls around 1000 votes or so… so, there are about 90 characters! No way, you say?

READ IT AND WEEP.

2. Plot Holes

This doesn’t even get a picture. Here’s a list, for easy reading.

1. If Ichigo’s dad was a Shinigami, why didn’t he save his family in chapter 1?
2. Why haven’t they replaced Aizen, Hinamori, Gin, and Tousen? We have TONS of Shinigami with Bankai that DON’T have a position, like Rukia and Ichigo… and once you’ve got a Bankai, you can be a Captain… it’s in the rules. So, in need of commanding officers in times of war… why haven’t they replaced them yet?!
3. Yammy Ralgo, a villain, comes to Earth to gather info on Ichigo… he then eats 10,000 souls. The news doesn’t care that a PERFECT CIRCLE OF PEOPLE DIED FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Also, it’s actually counter-productive from the later-revealed plan to amass spiritual energy in that same town.
4. Grand Fisher was a legendary hollow who escaped capture for decades… and was killed in one hit from a captain.
5. When people die, they go to soul society… and then if they die THERE, they go to earth… so… why does dying matter that much again?
6. Aging is poor. Rukia claims to have lived 10 of Ichigo’s lifetimes as a soul reaper, but they then show her as a child… so if she’s 160… when did she stop growing up, and WHY and HOW does it work DIFFERENTLY in the other shinigami’s back stories?
7. Also, if Shinigami can live 10 time the length of humans… how does the cycle mentioned in 5 even work?!
   

1. Shoehorning Old Characters

I hate seing a good character die. (not that that matters in Bleach, obviously) What I hate even MORE, however, is the fact that a main character, Orihime, was so poorly written that she had to be deus ex machina’d into randomly having a mystical warp drive in her chest just to make her relevant again.

They also did this with Ishida, who could have just been gone, by forcing him back into the spotlight, only for him to continue to fail. The same is true for Chad, who, to my knowledge, has still yet to win a fight. Even Rukia had to crap out a Bankai from nowhere just so she could fight again.

Take the shoehorn out and cut your own throat with it, Kubo. I hate Bleach. -GG

The lightsaber. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster, and the target of nerdy affection the world over. It’s every nerd’s dream to whip out a cold metal hilt, flip a switch, a feel the warm glow of electric death at their fingertips, waiting to rend their enemies. This has been true since Star Wars premiered in 1977.

Because of this, they are a part of everyday science fiction, and perhaps someday, science fact.

That being said, here are my favorite 7 Lightsaber Knock-offs.

#7: Zero’s Z-Saber (Megaman X Series)

One ponytail, a new coat of paint, and a sweet weapon, and bam, PERFECT.

When I was younger, I loved going to my cousin’s house and playing Megaman X. However, it was not the blue bomber that had me captivated. Oh no, Rockman was not my forte. (Get it?) I wanted to play as the red clad, hippie-haired Zero, wielding his amazing blue Z-Saber.

Plus, later it became chargable. Can Skywalker charge up his weapon for a massive attack? …well, yeah, with the force, maybe… Zero is still amazing.

#6: Energy Sword (Halo)

Uh, sir, one blade just isn't doing the job, plus, Lucasarts will stab us to death unless we change it...

I hate Halo. It’s an abomination running over with twelve year olds screaming into mics, endless sniper ambushes, rocket and grenade spamming, and people boasting about how 1337 they are.

That being said, the designs are really nicely done, and sometimes, nothing is more fun than getting together with a group of friends, turning on super speed and capture the flag, and going at it with a bunch of Energy Swords. Plus, it has a laser blade protruding from the top and bottom of the hilt, and has very limited ammo in single player mode, to keep it from being entirely cheap.

#5: Saber Weapons (Phantasy Star Online)

Completely broken when not online. Easy mode for weaklings. For some reason, they get the coolest weapons though...

Ah, Phantasy Star Online. Now that’s what I call a video game. Although I play a RAmar (rifle expert) called Troa and a FOmar (mage) named Aether, both my best friend and my girlfriend play HUmars, the sword swinging behemoths of the Phantasy Star universe world. (Not to be confused with Phantasy Star UNIVERSE, as that game made me ponder what fun falling to my death would be.)

In addition to being able to wield one normal lightsaber-esque weapon, they can wild a huge broadsword version, a dual knife version, or go Darth Maul with a twin-bladed version, ala Episode 1. However, Rifles are still comparable in strength for a majority of the game, and magic still proves most deadly, meaning this is a game where the players who don’t want to ‘Use the force, Luke’ can tell old Ben Kenobi to stuff it.

#4: “Light Saber” (Ico)

The magnificent puzzle game known as Ico rocked the Playstation 2 to its core and still amazes fans to this day. This is impressive for many reasons, the most impressive being that the game could be beaten in one sitting in only a couple of hours.

However, if played through twice and fawned over, endlessly, one could be rewarded…

Holy crap. Find a waterfall, smack a tree, pick up a ball, solve the Da Vinci code, send an e-mail to Moses, find Shangrila and throw this into Emilia Earhart’s cargo bay and boom. God throws you a lightsaber the size of your house. It may only work when you hold Yorda’s hand (aww, cute), but who CARES! That thing is GIGANTIC!

Thanks to str00py for the vid.

#3: Beam Saber (Mobile Suit Gundam)

Char: Amuro, I am your Father! Amuro: That's not true! That's IMPOSSIBLE! Even my father didn't hit me!

Just two short years after Star Wars came out, another massively cool series began to air, one that changed the face of anime’. Mobile Suit Gundam was the story of a boy named Amuro who piloted a giant robot and nearly single-handedly ended an entire war.

What weapon is at his side throughout it all and remains a staple of Gundam weaponry to this very day? That would be the Beam Saber. It isn’t a lightsaber, not at all. Especially not with a hilt like this.

Pictured: NOT a lightsaber.

#2: Revolcane (Kamen Rinder BLACK RX)

Who needs the force? He's a Kamen Rider, for crying out loud!

Everyone loves Kamen Rider. Well, ok, not everyone, but they should. One of the most popular of the Showa Era riders is none other that Kamen Rider BLACK, and his sequel, BLACK RX.

You may not remember, but Black actually came to the states for a bit, as the short lived Saban series Masked Rider. He was all kinds of cool, and one of his later weapons just happened to look a tad familiar…

Thanks to Galan000 for the vid, skip to 5:30 to see the Revolcane in action.

Simply amazing. that shower of sparks makes my day every time.

#1: Tsubaki Mk-II (No More Heroes)

What’s better than a single bladed lightsaber? A dual-bladed one? No, how about four, like General Greivous? Nope, still not enough. I need this guy dead so bad, I think I’ll just tape FIVE LIGHTSABERS TOGETHER AND CALL IT GOOD.

Holy crap. Even the force can't handle all of this.

As the game’s protagonist, Travis Touchdown, goes on his quest to be the best assassin in all of Santa Destroy, he can acquire many ‘Beam Katanas,’ my favorite of which is the Mk-II. The Blood Berry and Tsubaki Mk-I before this were both single-bladed weapons, and the Mk-III is also single-bladed, but between all the one-bladed “normal” lightsabers, we find the wonderful, destructive Five-bladed beauty, the Mk-II.

Here it is at work. Thanks to ultimatechocobo86 for the vid.

If you disagree, comment! Tell me YOUR favorite, shameless lightaber rip-off!

Until next time. -GG